Lack of Trust 06

Heaven and Hell Within Part 02

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On the other hand, if you find that the second person is not making any complaints about anything at all and instead he keeps complementing one thing or the other about this party, like; this snack tastes very good, the DJ is playing very good music, this dessert is so delicious, this venue has enough parking space, the host has really done a great job by organizing and managing a party like this and other such things; this is your man and you should take interest in him. You see, though both these people are attending the same party which has good as well as bad things about it, the first person is picking up more and more bad things about this party whereas the second person is looking at more and more good things which make this party enjoyable.

It means that the first person has a negative attitude towards life in general whereas the second person has a positive attitude towards life, which further means that the first person is only going to bother and trouble you by sending more and more negativity towards you through all his complaints, whereas the second person is likely to send much positivity to you and he is likely to complement you and encourage you whenever you do or want to do something big. The second person has a subconscious habit of speaking well about people and things, as well as encourage and promote good things done by people, and this is why he is worthy of a chance, and not the first person.

Similarly, there are many other types of people who possess many good qualities which are visible from their small day to day activities, and these are the people you should consider for building a relationship. Though you may still get hurt by some of these people who apparently looked good to you but the chances of that happening are not much, and on the other hand, the chances of more and more such people proving worthy of your trust and love are high because they are basically good and positive people. Dealing with such people at the first level or any level of this treatment increases your chances of success and as you already know by now, the more is the number of people who serve you value for your trust in them, the more easily and the faster you are going to get out of this problem of lack of trust. So pay attention to this first phase of initial assessment of people as this is a very important phase of this treatment.

Moving on to the second phase, once a person has passed your initial assessment test and you are positive that you want to continue with this person, start doing the needful from your end to ensure that you are slowly but surely moving towards building a relationship with this person, where such relationship may be of any kind. The most important mantra for better results in this second phase of treatment is to start slow and light, and then keep building little by little from there. You should understand that you are very new at trying to come out of lack of trust in other people and accordingly, you should not start trusting people with very big things in the beginning no matter how good you may find them during your initial assessment of them.

This is because trusting people with very big things right away may not only be too much for you to handle later on as you are not used to trust someone so much, but it can also be a little too much for the other person as they may not be expecting so much from your side in the beginning. Hence if you are in the phase of building a relationship with someone, let’s say you are building a friendship; you should start testing and trusting them slowly and not all at once. For example, telling your new friend about some small flaws in your personality may be a good way to start whereas telling him about some very disturbing flaws or incidents in your life may be a very bad thing to do at this early stage, as your friend may get scared of you and he may decide to move away from you.

Looking at some of the things you can share with or ask your new friend to do for you versus the things you should not share with him or not ask him to do for you at this stage; you can tell him how you love to take your girlfriend abroad for vacations every now and then but you should not tell how your relationship almost broke once when she caught you cheating with some other girl. Similarly, you can introduce your girlfriend to him formally some time but you should not ask him to join you two for a dinner at this stage or even worse, ask him to pick your girlfriend from office and drop her home as you are not able to do so at a given point in time.

Likewise you can ask him to give you a ride home if your car breaks down but you should not ask him to lend you his car for a couple of days, at this stage. In the same way, you can share many of your little secrets with him but you should not share your big, bigger or the biggest ones at this stage; you can ask him to do small favors for you but you should not ask for big ones at this stage; you can trust him with small possessions or secrets that you have but you should not trust him with the big ones at this stage. These guidelines are very important and you should not ignore them as otherwise you may end up getting hurt by your new friend or you may yourself decide to move away from him though he has not done anything wrong to you.

To understand it better, take a look at the recently mentioned examples and try to learn from them. If you tell your new friend how your girlfriend caught you cheating and your relationship almost broke once, you are creating a number of problems for yourself and accordingly you are increasing the chances that this relationship should fail. Since you have told him a big secret or you have trusted him so much, you start worrying later on whether you should have done so or not, and you may get accompanied by a feeling of guilt too because now there is person who doesn’t have a well established relationship with you but who still knows one of your deepest and not so good secrets.

Since you don’t have a habit of trusting people and the relationship is not well established yet, you will start suspecting and worrying that he may share your secret with many other people or he may take some undue advantage. At the same time, the friend may actually share your secret with someone else as he doesn’t attach much value to your friendship at this stage, and the fact that you have shared this secret with him at a very early stage of relationship, may give him an idea that maybe this is not a big secret for you and so he may share it with others. If this happens, this secret travels and it finally comes back to you, the chances are fairly high that you have lost a friend even before making one completely, because you will see it as a breach of your trust and you won’t be able to trust him any longer.

Trust as you know is the key to any relationship, it means once you can’t trust someone, you can’t actually have a healthy relationship with them. Moving on to the next example, asking your new friend to join you and your girlfriend for dinner or pick your girlfriend up from work and drop her home, both are bad ideas and should be avoided at an early stage of relationship. In the first case, during the course of conversation, your girlfriend may intentionally or unintentionally tell him a few things about you, which you don’t want him to know at this stage; your girlfriend may not like this friend much and she may later on discourage you from building a relationship with him; or in the worst case, your friend may start liking your girlfriend more than he likes you and you have created yourself a new problem.

Similarly, in the second case when your friends picks up and drops your girlfriend, the two of them may develop a strong dislike for each other or he may hit on or even try to seduce your girlfriend, and in both the cases, you are the one who is left with more problems to deal with. You problems become even worse, if this person knows some of your big secrets at this time because if you choose not to pursue a relationship with him under pressure from your girlfriend, in case she strongly dislikes him; you may be afraid that he may reveal your secrets to other people or even use them against you. On the other hand, if your friend hits on your girlfriend or tries to seduce her, this is not as much of his fault as it is yours. This is because of a very deep and very valuable secret of human psychology, which I’m going to share with you through the coming lines.

Leave apart bad people, even a big percentage of good people also choose between two people or two things based on the net value of those two people or things for them, which means they are likely to end up choosing the one which holds more value, in case they are stuck in a situation where they have to choose one out of the two. Knowing this rule and applying this to your equation, if your friend develops a liking for your girlfriend, your friend is very likely to breach your trust and hit on or try to seduce your girlfriend. This is because your friendship is new and it is not likely to hold much value for him at this time and accordingly, the value of his liking for your girlfriend may be much higher than the value of your friendship, which may make him choose your girlfriend over your friendship.

Hence when you consider this whole equation practically, his fault is not much as he simply chose a more valuable proposal and he didn’t have any serious commitments towards you since the friendship is new. Coming to you, it is certainly your fault to present such a temptation to your friend at this early stage of your relationship when you could have easily avoided this accident, had you waited for the right time and not moved too fast.

What I mean to say is that had you given enough time to your relationship with your friend and had you done the above mentioned things after establishing a strong relationship with your friend, he may not have hit on your girlfriend, tried to seduce her or do any other such thing. This is due to the reason that now he values your friendship much more than a beautiful girl and in this case, even if your girlfriend herself gives him green signals, he is not likely to engage because he simply doesn’t want to lose a friend like you over such a small thing, which doesn’t hold much value for him at this stage. Hence move slowly and wisely, and build your relationships slowly and wisely.

If you abide by the guidelines mentioned by me, the chances are high that you will be able to get rid of your problem of lack of trust without as much difficulty as you think. So start meeting new people, make initial assessments, start building relationships and do all of this slowly and wisely.

With these lines, this chapter as well as this section of the book has come to an end. Understand and follow this section with all your heart and mind, so that you are able to make the most of this second part of Heaven and Hell Within, just like you made the most of the first part.

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To be Continued

Lord Shiva Bless You

Himanshu Shangari