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However, when you find that despite your best efforts, you’re unable to change those specific habits of hers, you shift the blame to her and this is what makes you a hypocrite. She never promised to change any of these habits and to start with, she didn’t even know you have such intentions. All these plots were made by our ego and you were playing this game from your end only. This is why there is no pure love as you’re making assumptions in your own mind, you’re trying to make them come true and if they don’t; you get hurt. You see, you’re all alone in it and the girl is nowhere in the picture. Hence it is an act of control and not an act of love.
Just like you want your car to run at a specific speed, just like you want your house to be painted in a particular color, just like you want your watch to belong to a particular shape, you want this girl to be of a particular type. Hence you’re in need of a particular type of personality which goes well with your ego and you’re not in search of true love. This is because only your opinion matters when it comes to make your car run at a particular speed and the car doesn’t have any choice of her own, only your opinion matters when it comes to paint the walls of your house in a particular color and the walls don’t have the luxury to say no to that color; and only your opinion matters if you want to have a square looking watch and a circular watch can’t belong to you against your wish.
Since you’re the only decision maker in all these cases, you’re not in love with these things though you may think so at times, and you’re in control of all these things. It means they must behave like you want them to behave all the time and they don’t have any choices of their own. In other words, all these things are at your disposal and so to say, they’re your slaves and they’ll serve you as you please, until they die.
You’re doing similar things to this girl but you think you’re in love. You’re trying to change a particular habit of hers just like you change the color of a wall when you don’t like it. Neither the choice of the wall nor the choice of this girl matters for you and you only want to get done what pleases your ego. This girl is nothing more than a wall to you and you want it to have whichever color you like at any particular time. Hence it is an act of control and not pure love. Throughout this relationship, you try to play this game alone like you do in case of car, wall, watch and many other things and this is what makes it an act of control.
If you love her truly, you won’t force her to change though you may tell her to change some of her habits if you see benefit in it for her. However, your love for her won’t change whether or not she acts upon your advices and changes those habits. The first sign of pure love is that you’ll give your lover complete freedom to be whatever she wants to be and you’ll then love her for whatever she is and even whatever she may become over the course of time.
It means even if she develops a number of negative habits over a period of time, you’ll still love her the same way, though you may dislike those habits of hers. In the first case, you fall in love with her habits and she as a person become secondary. However in this case, you fall in love with her and her habits become secondary, which means your love for her remains unaffected by her good or bad habits. Hence if you truly love a person, you won’t try to control them or change them by force; and you’ll accept them for whatever they are.
A question may rise here that if this is the definition of true love, it means most people don’t fall in love and they engage in trades. Does it mean that all of us are incapable of loving and all we do is trade? No, it doesn’t mean anything like this and there’s more to this concept. So far, we’ve only discussed two extremes of this equation, which are the act of pure love and the act of control to feed the ego. However, most people have percentages of both these variables and they’re not isolate types which are rare to find.
It means it is difficult to find people who have love as pure as 100% and it is equally difficult to find people who have control factor has high as 100%. Most people are mixtures of these two qualities and accordingly they may be different from each other when it comes to how capable they may be of engaging in pure love, depending on the percentage of these two factors in their personalities. For instance, a person having 80% love factor and 20% control factor may be capable of loving much more than a person having 20% love factor and 80% control factor.
Human personality is a very complex mixture of a number of good and bad qualities and all these qualities may be present in different combinations in different people. This is what makes each one of us unique and none of us may exactly match anyone else. Hence different people may love differently and they may also control differently.
If you’re thinking how can you engage in love and control in the same relationship, here are some acts which can help you find it out. All the things that you do for your loved ones in a way that they may benefit, they may notice and other people may also notice, may be the acts of control. On the other hand, all the things that you do for your loved ones and you don’t care even if they know about them or not, let alone other people, they’re undoubtedly the acts of pure love.
For instance, if you’re taking your lover on an expensive vacation and you’re paying for it, you may be doing it both ways, depending on your personality type. If your intention is to make her happy as you know she likes this vacation destination; and you don’t care about anything else, it is an act of pure love. In this case, you’re not likely to tell anyone; who paid for the vacation or who made all the arrangements and even if your lover tells someone about it, you may not take much interest when that person praises you for spending so much money on this vacation.
On the contrary, you may start feeling uncomfortable when someone or even when your girlfriend appreciates you for doing all this for her. This is because your love is pure in this case and all you care for is her happiness. Since you have no intentions to control her in future, you don’t have the need to count favors so that you may use them to your advantage in future.
Hence you may keep those details of this vacation hidden, which can make you look like a great person, which is the mark of true love. You may do so as you don’t want other people to know that she had no financial contribution in this vacation as that can give some people reasons to raise their fingers on her, which is the last thing you want as you love her purely.
If however, your intention behind all this is to gain control, you’ll operate in a different manner. Right from the start, you may start telling a number of people in your circle as well as in her circle that you’re taking her on vacation, you’re paying for it and you’re doing it for her happiness. Whenever someone appreciates you for this, you may feel proud and you may not even care about her reputation or her overall image or her feelings. All you care for is that you should get due value or even more value, for the money and effort being spent by you. Hence you don’t bother even if she looks like a bagger in this entire act and you look like a king. In fact, this is what you may want on subconscious level though you may not know it consciously.
Let’s make it simpler to understand. Whether you consciously know it or not, you’re telling everyone about your effort because this will put pressure on her and you may use it to your advantage in future. For example, her best friend may keep telling her time and again that you’re a very good person as you’ve done so much for her. Same may be the case with her close relatives and other people who’re important for her. Hence you’re playing a calculated game and you’re purchasing the opinions of the people who can influence her opinion, in your favor. As you keep engaging in such acts from time to time and as you keep propagating them as much as you can, you may eventually be able to condition her love for you.
It means that most people who matter to her may keep telling her that you’re the best thing that has happened to her and she is very lucky to have you in her life. As these opinions brainwash her or so to say mindwash her, it may become difficult or even impossible for her to even think of leaving you or going against you. Hence you have more control over her because if the two of you have an argument, the chances are high that she’ll surrender to your point of view, which is exactly what you want. There are two major reasons for which she may choose to be controlled by you.
The first reason is obviously the favors given by you and she may feel like owing you something. The second reason is even bigger and you’ve created it. You’ve conditioned the circumstances in such a way that if she goes against you or even if she thinks of leaving you, most people around her may not support her decision and some of them may even push her to reconsider her decision of leaving you. After all, you’re the best thing that has happened to her, so how can she choose to go away from you?
You’ve progressively conditioned her mind in a way that she may not even feel free to discuss some of your very negative habits with her loved ones as she already knows that such loved ones will speak in your favor, instead of being the neutral judges or even neutral listeners. Hence this practice and other such practices are the acts of control and they’re not the acts of love.
The most important thing to understand is that it is not an act which defines your love or control for someone, it is the intention behind such act which defines it. The acts of pure love don’t expect anything in return whereas the acts of control always look for returns. This is why you don’t care whether or not someone knows about the good things you’re doing for your lover, if you love her truly. On the other hand, your primary motive may be to make your lover as well as many other people realize that you’re doing so much for her so that you may use this fact to your advantage in future, if you want to control her.
After understanding this difference, it is interesting to note that most of us may exhibit both these types of acts in the same relationships. Hence some of our acts may be inspired by pure love and some other acts may be provoked by the control factor. As a general rule, more is the percentage of pure love or conscience in your personality; more is the number of acts of pure love whereas greater percentage of control factor or ego in your personality means greater number of acts of control. Since control factor is generated by ego, more egoistic you are, more incapable of true love you are whereas more conscience you have; more capable of true love you are.
Even if you have control factor as high as 80%, the 20% love factor you have may still be sufficient to make you engage in acts of pure love at times. Has it ever happened that when you woke up in the middle of the night, you found your lover feeling cold while sleeping, you gave her the blanket, you made sure that everything else is in order for her comfort and you never talked about it. If you ever did this or anything like this, this was an act of pure love. The important condition here is that you don’t ever let her know that you did so.
On the other hand, if you tell her about this act in the morning, it becomes an act of control though it may have started as an act of pure love. Hence you’ve converted your act of love into an act of control. This is because the only reason you’re telling her this is that she should know and remember that you did her a favor and you care for her, even when she’s asleep. You may definitely care for her but why do you want her to know? The true reason is that you want her to assign even more value to you and that value will help you control her.
You see, your ego can feed on your emotions and it can turn even an act of pure love into an act of control. If you truly love her, you’ll do everything in the night as mentioned and even you may forget it after that, instead of trying to make your lover learn and memorize it. I mean why do you want to tell it to her in the first place? You may want to do so because you want to put her under subconscious pressure which says your love is so pure that you can’t see her uncomfortable, even while she’s asleep.
Through this information, you’re trying to convince her to think positively about you as well as to get more attached to you so that you may use this information later on, in order to control her. More value she gives you, easier it is for you to control her. You may not know all this on conscious level but it is all happening deep inside you; on subconscious level. It means even you may not know consciously that you’re trying to control her through this act but your subconscious mind knows it perfectly and that is what matters the most. Hence you may consciously feel that this piece of information just dropped out of your mouth accidently; when it is a well planned move.
Your subconscious mind is so smart at doing things in the most natural way that you may not detect its intentions if you don’t pay due conscious attention; which means you’re an aware type of person. For instance, you may simply drop a natural line in the morning like, ‘I hope you slept well’. Though it looks like a natural line and all you may think is that you care for her and that is why you’ve asked her this. It means you know her blanket slipped away once, you put it back as she was feeling cold and the same may have happened again during the night. Hence even if you analyze this line after delivering it, you may consider it an act of love as you’re simply worried about whether or not she slept well.
However, this is what you may think on conscious level and your subconscious mind has other intentions. Since you almost never use such lines without purpose, it is natural for your lover to ask you why you are asking this question. When you ask a question like this, it means you have doubts whether she slept well or not. Since you have doubts; there must be some valid grounds for those doubts. This is what your lover also understands and hence she may want to know the reason you’ve asked this question.
Once she asks you this question; she gives you a perfect reason to narrate the whole incident. Now she knows why you asked this question and if she’s not very smart; she may not even realize that you provoked her to ask this question so that you may tell her about your act of love. Hence she may or may not realize that your intention behind using this line was to tell her about your act of love and receive appreciation on conscious or subconscious level; and even you may not know this fact on conscious level.
It means even you may think that she asked you to tell the reason and that is why you told her about the incident as otherwise; you may not have spoken about it at all. However in reality; your subconscious mind tricked you as well as her so that you may add more value to your love account by telling her about this incident. This happens because your love is corrupted and your subconscious mind knows it. However, your conscious mind feels that your love is pure and this is why it happens.
Since there’s a difference of opinion between your conscious mind and subconscious mind in this case, your subconscious mind uses hidden ways to bypass your conscious mind and engage in an act of control; which is what you want deep down. It should be noted that such acts are being performed by your subconscious mind; under the influence of your ego.
Most of us have percentages of pure love and percentages of control factor or in other words; percentages of conscience and percentages of ego. The sum total of these two percentages at any time is 100, as already explained in an earlier part of this book. Hence if you have 80% conscience which means 80% pure love at a time; you have 20% ego or 20% control factor at that time. This percentage is different for different people and it may be different, even for the same person; at different times.
For instance, you may have 80% love and 20% control at a point in time whereas you may have had 60% love and 40% control five years ago. It means you’ve achieved more spiritual growth or conscience during these five years by virtue of your efforts and hence you’re able to love in a better way at this time. Similarly, the percentage of pure love and control factor may keep changing, depending on the change in percentage of your ego and conscience; with the passage of time.
The journey of each person is amazing and accordingly; every person may witness billions of different experiences in a number of lives; before reaching liberation. These experiences keep changing the overall personality of this person and that is why the same person may behave differently or love differently at different points in time; depending on his exact personality at that time.
If you want to know how pure your love is in percentage, let me give you a method to do so. When you’re in love with someone say with a girl, more you feel the need to assert your love through words, acts or gestures; less pure is your love and more is the percentage of corruption in your love. It may look strange but this is how it is. Let’s now look at this concept in detail.
As you already know that your subconscious mind and conscious mind have their own ways of calculating or knowing things and accordingly; they have their own ways of expressing different things. Before moving ahead, it should be understood once again that your subconscious mind at any point in time gives you your true opinion, assessment, value or desire related to anything or anyone; provided you’re not engaging in such thing or with such person for the first time.
The phrase first time in this context doesn’t mean first time in this life and it means first time during the journey of your soul. Hence it means you have not experienced this thing or person; in this life or in any one of your past lives.
This is because your subconscious mind can only have knowledge or opinion about something; if such knowledge or opinion has been forwarded to it by your conscious mind; at least once but in general, more than once. The more you experience a thing or person; the more your subconscious mind knows about it and more correct it is likely to be about this person or thing. However when it comes to the first time, only your conscious mind deals with such thing or person as your subconscious mind has no record of this thing or person and this part of your mind operates on the basis of already stored data in most cases.
Hence your subconscious mind knows much more than your conscious mind in most cases and that is why the former rules you with or without your knowledge. The people who have high levels of awareness which means they have highly grown conscience know this thing consciously whereas an average person seldom knows properly that his subconscious mind is controlling most of his actions.
When it comes to deal with a person or thing, the opinions of your conscious mind and subconscious mind may be the same or similar about such thing or person; or they may be different. If these opinions are the same or similar, there is no conflict and hence things go along smoothly. If these opinions are different, the opinion formed by your subconscious mind is the one you’ll go with in most cases. Once again, you may or may not be aware that your subconscious mind is controlling your actions or even your thoughts about this thing or person; and such acts or thoughts may happen naturally according to your conscious knowledge.
For example, you see a girl for the first time, you get attracted, you try to socialize with her, you succeed, you two talk over coffee and sooner than you know; you may feel like having a deeper connection with this girl. It should be noted that we’re not discussing the routine type of physical attraction for opposite gender and we’re talking about meaningful things; like when you come across someone for the first time; who turns out to be your partner or spouse later on.
You may not know consciously as to why you’re feeling so thrilled yet relaxed in her company and why you’re feeling strongly that you can trust her or you already have a connection with her before this meeting. This happens because you’ve already had a relationship with this girl in one of your recent past lives and all the information related to such relationship is stored on your subconscious mind. As already mentioned in an earlier part of this book; your conscious mind transfers information related to things or people to your subconscious mind which stores this information. Your conscious mind changes in each life whereas your subconscious mind remains the same, throughout the journey of your soul.
Hence when it comes to conscious knowledge or memory of an experience of the past; you can only be aware about the details if such experience has happened in this life. It means you can only remember this girl on conscious level; if you’ve met her or you’ve had a relationship with her some years or many years back in this life. Since you’ve never seen her in this life; you can’t have any conscious knowledge about this girl or about the experiences you had with her. This is because your conscious mind which witnessed those experiences and transferred them to your subconscious mind was the conscious mind from a past life and that conscious mind is not with you in this life.
Since it is a new conscious mind and this one has never seen this girl; you can’t have a conscious feeling of having met or interacted with this girl. When it comes to your subconscious mind; it is the same throughout the journey of your soul and hence it has all the information related to your relationship or interactions with this girl; from one or more than one of your past lives. Hence when you see this girl; you may get attracted to her much more than you get attracted to most other girls in general. The same may happen to this girl also and none of you may know the reason why this mutual attraction is stronger than usual.
If you go back and try to remember; you may find out that the type of attraction that you had for your spouse or for a long term partner when you two started meeting was stronger or much stronger compared to the type of attraction you felt for other people with whom you may have had short or very short term relationships. In fact, you may only have got physically attracted to some of them and nothing more than that may have happened. It means in such cases, this attraction was more like the need of your body than the need of your mind and hence this attraction may not have deep roots or any roots in your past lives.
However, when it comes to the people of the first type, which means partners or spouses; the chances are high that you’ve already had relationships with them in your past lives and your subconscious mind has all the information related to these people. Hence when you look at one such girl, you get attracted to her and as she agrees to interact with you; you may start feeling very soon; that this attraction is more or much more than physical attraction. Your subconscious mind as well as her subconscious mind has data related to your relationships in past lives and this data is what does this trick.
In practical terms, it means that you two know each other well on subconscious level but you two don’t know each other on conscious level. Accordingly; your conscious minds can’t control this relationship or interaction at least in the beginning stages and your subconscious minds will take control of this operation of building a relationship or to be precise, resuming this relationship since it has already been built in the past. As a result, most of the things in one such case are handled and controlled by your subconscious mind.
Hence when you interact with this girl; you feel like you two have things in common or you feel like being more comfortable than usual, in her company and she may also feel the same. It may also happen to be the case that you two may strike common grounds or you two may discover common interests very soon and you may start pursuing them together. You may also find out that some habits of her are the ones you like a lot and the same may happen to her also, which means she may also like some habits of yours a lot.