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Hence if you’re buying this diamond ring due to the kinds of reasons mentioned earlier; it simply means you need to assert your love, which further means your love is not pure. Technically it means that your subconscious mind keeps telling your conscious mind that your love for her is not pure and it is corrupted.
This fact is heard by your conscious mind in form of feelings of guilt rising from something wrong done by you to her, feelings of doubt you may have for her, feelings of greed related to the things you want her to do for you and some other types of feelings. Since these are subconscious feelings, you may not be able to assign obvious reasons to them and they come to your conscious mind; more like inner voices or intuitions.
Your conscious mind wants to counteract these feelings because of your ego; as accepting these feelings means your love is corrupted and that leaves you with two options. This first option is to walk out of this relationship since you don’t love her purely; and the second option is to change yourself in a way that you’re able to love her purely.
The first option means to let go of something your ego has attached to; and the second option means to kill your ego because you can’t engage in pure love as long as your ego is there. Since both these options hurt your ego; it creates another option. This option tells your conscious mind to deny such information sent by your subconscious mind, which says your love is not pure.
When your conscious mind does the same; your subconscious mind finds this information false, as it knows for sure that you don’t love her purely; through experiences of the similar type; from this life as well as from many of your past lives. Hence it sends this information back to your conscious mind for reconsideration.
The latter once again says it is correct which means you love her purely; under the influence of your ego and this keeps happening till a state of disagreement rises between the opinion of your conscious mind and that of your subconscious mind or so to say between your ego and your conscience. In order to prove its point, your ego starts controlling you in a way that you may start engaging in acts of showing love in order to prove its point.
These are the acts which are not rising from your conscience and they’re instead rising from your ego. Since these acts are not selfless acts of love and they’re corrupted acts of love due to the involvement of your ego; they’re called assertive acts of love and not the acts of pure or natural love. This is because through these acts; your ego is trying to fool you as well as your lover that you really love her. However, it may only be able to fool your conscious mind at the most and your subconscious mind remains aware of the fact that your love is not pure.
You may not be consciously aware at this time; but you have engaged in such assertive acts of love; thousands or even millions of times in many of your past lives. Though each time your ego had tried to fool your subconscious mind through your conscious mind that these were the acts of pure love; the truth always turned out to be the opposite. It means in cases of all such acts of love; you ended up claiming those acts as favors; whenever you engaged in serious arguments with your lovers, from time to time.
It means though you consciously think you’ve got rid of the feelings coming from your subconscious mind; this is not true. In reality; your subconscious mind still knows that your love is corrupted. This is why it sends fresh feelings whenever you do something selfish. Whenever you receive such feelings; you once again engage in acts of balancing them out; and this process goes on, until this relationship finally fails like all other relationships from the past, which means from this life as well as from past lives. Hence the acts of asserting love mean the absence of pure love.
More is the number of such assertive acts or more frequent they are, less is the percentage of pure love and more is the percentage of corruption. However, if you’re engaging in all such acts naturally which means without paying attention to the results of these acts; your love is pure. More is the number of such acts of pure love; higher is the percentage of purity in your love and less is the percentage of corruption in it.
Once again; this fact rules supreme that it is not your karma which is more important and it is your intention behind such karma. This means that though your girlfriend may not be able to distinguish whether you’ve purchased this diamond ring for her; as an act of natural love or as an act of asserting your love in order to make her realize that you love her a lot; your subconscious mind knows it well and this is all that matters.
This is because an assertive act of love will always be accompanied by expectations which are going to show up sooner or later. If such expectations are not met; problems are bound to be there. Since all your expectations can simply not be met due to a number of variables; you’re bound to be troubled. This is the time when all these acts of asserting your love will come up and you’ll start thinking or mentioning them consciously. It means in this case; though you may not feel the conscious need to tell your girlfriend at this time that you’ve bought her an expensive diamond ring; this need is still there on subconscious level.
As soon as something goes significantly wrong and you two have a serious argument; you’ll find yourself telling her that you bought her an expensive diamond ring and you may speak about all other such ‘favors’ done by you to her, in order to tell her how deeply you love her.
Kindly understand that if you don’t think you’re doing her a favor while purchasing this diamond ring; you simply can’t claim it as a favor which means as an act to assert your love; when you two have a serious argument and favors given by each one of you are made clear to the other; in order to see who did more favors for the other : )
Hence the fact that you’re able to tell her during a serious argument that you purchased an expensive diamond ring for her indicates that you remembered this fact well. It further means that even at the time of buying this ring for her; you had subconscious intentions to use this fact in order to assert your love in future; if needed. Whether you have the need to list this act as a favor at a later stage or not; is secondary and the fact that you’re doing it as a favor deep down; is primary. Since you’re doing it as a favor; it is not an act of pure love and it is an act of assertion or so to say, it is an act of corrupted love.
Looking at her mindset; she realizes on subconscious level that you’re doing a lot for her and hence she may be subconsciously prepared to return the favors by doing certain things you want her to do or you want her not to do. In this way, you may start putting price tags in order to purchase her independence and you may do so under the guise of love.
This truth may hurt some people but this is what the truth is. Let’s consider a scene where a couple which has been together for many years, engages in a serious argument. Most of you may have witnessed such scenes in life as well as in movies and hence it may be easy for most of you to recollect what I’ll try to bring to your attention.
Have you noticed that during such fights, majority of people make their partners realize that they did a lot for their partners? For example, the male partner may say that he spent so much on the jewellery that he bought her from time to time; he took her to an expensive vacation recently; he kept awake for an entire night with her when she was suffering from fever and she couldn’t sleep; he purchased new apartment as she wanted him to buy a better apartment and many other things like that. After saying all these things, he may tell her that these are the signs he loves her and this is why she should respect him and listen to him.
The female partner may also say similar types of things like; she tolerates his habit of drinking too much and then creating scenes; she once caught him cheating on her but she chose to forgive him; she has so many men pursuing her but she ignores them for him and many other such things. After stating these reasons, she may also tell him that these are the signs that she loves him and hence he should respect her and listen to her. Taking a look at another angle of this fight, both of them may also remind each other of their shortcomings so that the other party should know that they’re not so perfect as they think they are.
Can this be called love? This is trade and nothing more than that. If you do things like this, you don’t love the other person, you’re engaging in a trade where you do certain things for your lover and in exchange for that, you purchase the rights to control her. When you fight with her, the reason you’re shouting at her may be that she wants to do something you don’t like. Hence you may advise her against it but she still wishes to do it. You may then tell her that you have the right to influence or even control her decisions and you give all the reasons mentioned above in support of that right.
You see, you’re engaging in a trade and nothing more than that. I mean, when you’re telling her that she should change her decision as you don’t like it, because you gave her expensive jewellery; it is an obvious sign of trade; the human trade. You are trying to purchase a human slave by making payments in the form of certain specific favors. It’s like you’ve hired an employee, you’re paying her salaries and accordingly, you tell her to listen to you and do what you say whenever she tries to do what she wants.
Looking at another angle, you may even remind her about her shortcomings or bad habits in order to make her feel small, in order to win the argument or in order to make her realize how big a compromise you’re making by choosing to be with her. Can this be called love? It is in fact a business contract of personal type, where both of you may have imposed silent conditions on the other and whenever one of you violates one of those conditions, the other one shouts.
Hence you’re doing business in the name of love and at the same time, you may be thinking that it is real love. It means your subconscious mind knows it is business but your conscious mind thinks it is love. The first part is not as big a problem as the second part is, which means doing business in the name of love is not as big an issue as the fact that you’re consciously oblivious to all this business and you think it is real love. This is because if you’re at least aware that you don’t truly love your girlfriend and you only need her to fulfill some of your needs and that is why you’re offering her a number of favors to balance the mathematics, you’re much better than you are in the second case.
In this case, you’re at least honest as well as aware because you have conscious knowledge of this state of affairs and you’re not pretending to yourself. It means your conscious mind and your subconscious mind believe in the same thing and hence there is no confusion or hypocrisy. This makes you honest and this also increases your chances of engaging in true love in future.
This is due to the reason that you’ve at least partly completed the process of changing yourself, by being aware about your state of affairs, as already mentioned in an earlier part of this book. Hence whenever you realize you don’t want to engage in this trade any longer, you may fall in true love. This is because you already know the difference between trade and love, which puts you in a position of advantage when it comes to separate love from trade.
On the other hand, if you’re engaging in trade in the name of love and at the same time, you’re not aware of it, which means you think you’re actually in love, your problem is much bigger. You’re not even aware about the problem you have and hence there are few chances of getting out of it. In the first case, you may truly fall in love because you know that what you have at this moment is not love and hence you may start working towards love any moment. However, in the second case, you’re not in true love but you’re completely convinced that you are.
It means you won’t feel the need to search for true love because you don’t search for something that you already have. Since you’re already engaged in pure love according to your illusions, there are no chances you’ll work to achieve it in reality. Hence your chances of being in true love are much less in this case and they’ll become better only when you realize that what you’re engaging in is trade and not pure love.
Coming back to the example, if you engage in all such arguments with your lover, you should know that you have anything but pure love. If you truly love this girl, your arguments may be of different type or there may not be any arguments at all, depending on your stage of evolution. For instance, if she wants to do something, you think it may turn out bad for her and you want to convince her not to do it, this is how you may behave. You may start telling her about the negative aspects of this thing, in a really caring way and not in a superior type of way or in a controlling type of way.
You may try to convince her and if she doesn’t agree, you won’t get angry though you may feel bad for her as you know she may end up in trouble. However, your part is to make her aware about it or even convince her to reconsider her decision; and your job is not to control her. Even if she chooses to go against your decision, your ego should not get hurt and you should not engage in arguments which are primarily targeted at proving your point or even at achieving this objective that she’s not a wise person.
Looking at some of these arguments, you may tell her that whenever she doesn’t listen to you, she lands in trouble in most such cases, she’s generally not a wise type of person and she keeps making silly mistakes. You may even mention some of those mistakes from the past and you may tell her other things like this. You see, it may have started from being caring about her, it has now reached the point where all you care for is to prove your point and make sure that she does what you say. If the argument prolongs, you may even bring in a number of favors you did to her, in order to show you really care.
You’re once again trying to control her and hence it is not love. If you’re in this type of illusionary love, each and every time you interact with her, such interactions may be the acts of controlling her, though they may be conscious at times and subconscious at times. It means you may intentionally engage in such acts at times and you may engage in such acts at times, without even you being aware about their controlling nature. Hence this is not love.
Moving ahead, suppose your girlfriend doesn’t listen to you, she does what she wants and as you calculated, she ends up in trouble. This is the time you may start telling her how wrong or foolish she was, when she chose not to listen to you or not to act upon your advice. You may even feel a strange type of joy when she lands in trouble as your point has been proven and this may give you advantage in future, when it comes to control her. In fact, you may have been wishing for her to land in trouble, from the time she chose to go against your advice, though such wishing may have been subconscious.
The reason you may do so is because there’s been a serious argument and she’s decided to go against your advice. If she succeeds at what she’s going to engage in, it is likely that she’ll get back to you and tell you that you were wrong and she was right. After all, she may also be doing the trade of love, instead of being in true love. Accordingly, as soon as the argument ends in disagreement and she chooses to do what she wants, you may start wishing for her to fail and she may try her best to succeed.
You may do so because you don’t want to feel ashamed if she succeeds as she may then tell you that you’re not so wise after all. Hence your ego gets scared of getting hurt in the future and accordingly you start wishing for her to fail, so that your point is proved. If you’re a less grown soul, you may even do or not do certain things to make sure that she fails. For instance, if she engages in a professional project against your advice, she gets into trouble at a time and there is something you may do to get her out of this trouble so that she may finally succeed, you may keep your distance and you may not help her.
This is because if she succeeds, her point will be proved and your ego may not want it to happen. Hence you keep quiet and you may even enjoy from a distance, when problems start appearing for her, as you sense victory, which comes to you in form of her failure. If you’re a relatively grown soul and your ego wants to control this girl, you may take a different path. As she faces initial problems, you may help her out of the situation and you may even help her succeed in her professional venture, assuming you’re capable of doing so.
However even in this case, you may keep telling her from the moment you start helping her till the moment this project is finished that her foolishness almost destroyed her and it is only due to your help that she’s been able to get out of such troubles and finish her project. You see, your ego has suggested you a better way of controlling her. This way, you give her one more favor and you prove your point too. Oh, and I forgot to mention that you also tell her one more time that you really love her and you’ll do anything for her : )
It should be easy to understand that almost everything that is happening in this relationship from the beginning till the end has you at the center and the girl is merely someone revolving around you. It’s like you’re the Sun of this system of relationship and bound by your gravity, this girl should move in whichever direction you want her to move. Whenever she dares get out of your gravitational field, you may try to bring her back to this field so that you may once again control her.
If you truly love this girl and she chooses to engage in something despite your advice; you may wish her to succeed and you may even try to do everything in your power to help her out. You don’t want to control her and you don’t want to prove a point. In fact, pure love always liberates and it never controls or binds. Hence if you feel restricted, bound or controlled in a relationship, this relationship may have anything but pure love in it.
Therefore, if she succeeds without your help, you’ll feel happy because of her success and not sad because of your failure. Kindly understand that you’ll only feel bad when she succeeds against your advice, if your ego is attached to your advice as it is your ego which gets hurt. On the other hand, if your ego is not attached to your advice, all you want is her happiness and whether that happiness comes by acting on your advice or by going against your advice is immaterial.
Hence you’ll feel happy for her and at the same time, you won’t feel you’ve lost anything. Your advice was based on your knowledge and experiences; and you did the right thing by offering it to her at the right time. Whether such advice proved right or wrong in her case is immaterial and it is important for your ego only. Hence you should do what needs to be done in a particular situation and you should not attach to the results.
Even if your girlfriend fails miserably at this project, the last thing you’ll do is make her realize even once that she made a mistake by going against your advice, if your love is pure. This is because when you say so, her loss becomes secondary and your advice becomes primary as the focus is less on her loss and more on your advice. Hence you may once again engage in an act of controlling her, by convincing her that she should surely act on your advice in future. It is once again about you and not about her.
Therefore if your love is pure, you’ll help her heal from this setback and you’ll never discuss the fact that you advised her not to do it in the first place. Kindly understand that freedom of expression or free will is the first right of every soul and a true lover will never want to take this right away from the one he loves. So when you truly love someone, you love them as they are and you don’t put conditions on them; that they should change themselves in ways that you like.
It should be noted that there’s nothing wrong in suggesting your lover or anyone else to change some of their habits as you may genuinely find them negative and troublesome for them as well as for other people. It is fine if it stays till here, as it is a sign that you care for this person, like for your lover; and you want to help her become a better person. However, as soon as you start making it a compulsory condition that she has to change those habits because you want her to, the love goes away and ego takes charge.
If your love is pure, you may certainly suggest things at times but you’ll never impose conditions that your suggestions must be implemented. Hence you may tell her about her negative habits, you may advise her to change them and you may then remain unaffected by the outcomes. It means whether she changes them or not doesn’t affect the love you have for her and you continue loving her in the same way. You understand that your job is to suggest her certain things which you may find good for her; and your job is not to force her to do those things, even if they’re the best things to do.
When you truly love someone, you don’t try to control her and you don’t try to snatch or restrict her freedom. You love her for what she is and that is it. If you even think that you can love her more if she changes a couple of her habits that you don’t like, you’re engaging in a trade and not in love. This is because you like this girl as a collection of certain specific habits and not as a person or soul. As your love may increase or decrease in quantum, based on her habits; you’re in love with her habits and not in love with her true self.
Therefore, if she develops more such habits which you don’t like, your love may decrease in quantum and a time may come when you may start looking for another girl, who may have the habits or personality you like. It means you never loved this girl purely and you only loved her personality at a particular time, when you got involved with her. If there were some habits in her that you didn’t like, your ego suggested you that you’d change them and hence you took a calculated risk.
However, over a period of time, you were neither able to change those habits nor you were able to accept her with those habits and that is why you feel troubled in this relationship. Just try to be honest to yourself for once and ask yourself these questions. Did you tell her straight away at the beginning of this relationship that you didn’t like some of her habits and you might love her only if she changed them? Did she promise you in response that she’d certainly change those habits and any other habits that you didn’t like?
If that happened, you have a fair chance to complain. You’re not in pure love in this case also but you’re at least honest about what you want. However, none of this may have happened and you subconsciously assured yourself that you’d change those habits of this girl, which you didn’t like. This is once again an act of control initiated by your ego; and it is once again a one sided story. I mean the girl hasn’t committed anything like this and she doesn’t even know about it. It is you and you alone who made all these assumptions and the girl had no part to play in it, at all.
Himanshu Shangari