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Another advice that your ego may forward to you is that whenever possible, you should have backups so that you may not have to suffer much, if the primary option fails. This advice applies to the relationships like love and it means that though you’re engaged with one person; you should look for or even mark at least one more option which may be used as a backup option. It means when you have a girlfriend the next time; you may still keep looking for other girls and you may even initiate a good level of targeted friendship with a couple of them.
The phrase ‘targeted friendship’ in this context means that you may convey to one such girl either consciously or subconsciously which is more likely to be the case; that you really like her and if you have an option; you want to have a love relationship with her. You may assess the responses of a number of girls you like and you may finalize a couple of them; who may also be interested in this proposal of yours; as they may also have similar personalities and they may also be looking for backups : )
All this information is stored on your subconscious mind since you can’t hide anything from your subconscious mind though you can hide a lot from your conscious mind. Hence you may do all these things and you may not even be consciously aware to the fullest that you’re doing all this to feed your ego. It means you may consider your acts of control as your acts of love and you may consider the backup girls as the girls you like a lot and nothing more than that. Since acts of love are good and liking someone is natural; you stay away from conscious guilt most of the time and all the guilt is forming on the subconscious level.
Let’s now sum up the information stored on your subconscious mind and find out; what love means for you in reality. The way your subconscious mind understands love is that it is an act of control, such control should be practiced in the best possible manner and at the same time; backup options should be there in case of need. This is what love means for you deep down and this is what you can imagine love to be at the most. It means that though you may keep assigning more value to your love as well as to the love that your girlfriend has for you; all these things are only happening on the level of your conscious mind and they don’t matter much.
What matters is the value assigned to love or anything for that matter; by your subconscious mind since it knows a lot more than your conscious mind. Hence in reality or deep down; love can only mean control plus backup option for you and nothing more than that. Since you’ve never gone beyond this; there’s no way you can actually imagine love beyond this point, though you may virtually keep imagining a number of things but they don’t matter. Hence deep down; love means control and backup for you and that’s it.
However, this is not the end of your problems and a bigger problem starts from here. Since this is your true definition of love; your subconscious mind can only expect this type of love from your lover and this is where it gets complicated. Suppose you’ve eaten ten mangos so far, with one mango at different times; and all ten of them were either sour or not so sweet. Though in general, most mangos are sweet and it is only because of bad luck or something else that you came across mangos which were not sweet; a problem starts deep down in your subconscious mind.
The way you can actually imagine the taste of a mango is the way you’ve felt it so far and not the way which most people suggest. It means that though mangos may taste sweet for most people or for a friend of yours; they don’t taste sweet for you; not till you’ve tasted one sweet mango at the least. No matter how much you may try to convince yourself that if the whole world says mangos are sweet; they are sweet; you may not succeed in believing so in the deepest sense. This is because your experiences with mangos tell you they’re not sweet and when it comes to your experiences; they’re almost always valued much more by your mind than the opinions of other people.
This is because you’ve actually lived them and what other people are saying may or may not be true; at least in your case. Hence you can’t completely believe that mangos are sweet and you’ll always have doubts about this fact; due to the experiences of the opposite type, which you’ve gone through, related to the taste of mango. The only way out of this situation is to actually taste a number of mangos which are sweet and only then you may be able to get rid of your past experiences which say mangos are not sweet.
The same is happening in this case also. Your perception of love is that it is an act of control plus backup and you simply can’t go beyond this. Though you may read a number of beautiful things about love and you may try to imagine how beautiful pure love can be; they won’t help and you have to go by your own experiences. Kindly understand that one experience witnessed by you is valued much more by your mind, than the opinions of hundreds of people related to the same experience.
This is due to the reason that when you actually live something; it is the biggest proof for how that thing is; at least for you. Hence no one can convince you completely against it; and only you can do so; by going through the same thing again and again; and witnessing different types of experiences; which may be similar to what other people are telling you.
Therefore, you can’t imagine the purest type of love as you’ve never practiced it and all you can imagine is the type of love already described. This is where a significant problem lies. Though you may consciously seem to trust your girlfriend when she says that she loves you in an honest manner; you simply can’t trust her on subconscious level no matter how hard you may try. This is because the word love rings different bells in your subconscious mind and you may start imagining her in your situation, which is the only way you can actually imagine her.
Suppose you were once thrown into ice cold water and you were forced to stay in it for five minutes though you hated this experience as you don’t feel comfortable with cold water. This experience will get registered on your subconscious mind in a strong as well as negative manner; which means as a painful memory. The next time you see someone being thrown into ice cold water; your own experience of discomfort may become alive. It is interesting that even if this other person enjoys ice cold water; you can’t do the same in your mind.
This is because his experiences are his and your experiences are yours. Accordingly, you can’t enjoy ice cold water just because someone else enjoys it and you’ll still keep hating it or disliking it; if it gives you discomfort whenever you try to get into it. Every person may react differently to the same situation; based on his exact personality type and his experience in one such situation is his genuine version of truth for that situation. It means when you say that ice cold water is troublesome, you’re telling the truth as this is how you felt it or knew it. At the same time, when the other person is saying that ice cold water is fun; he’s also telling the truth; though it is his truth.
Hence the truth can be different for different people in the same situation and only your version of truth is the real truth for you; at any point in time. You may not know or follow this rule on conscious level and you may try to convince yourself against your experiences, if a number of people are telling you something else about the same experiences. However, your subconscious mind places much more value to your own experiences as it knows this rule that what other people are saying may be true for them; but it may not be true for you. This is why you see different people experiencing the same things or situations in different ways; based on their exact personalities at the time of experiencing such things or situations. We’ll discuss more about this, later on.
Therefore, in the deepest sense; you can only imagine love to be an act of control plus backup and nothing more than that. Based on this knowledge, your subconscious mind may naturally assume that your girlfriend also means the same things; when she says or thinks she loves you. If someone accidently runs against a pickpocket; the first thing the latter may do is to check if the other person has not tried to pick his pocket : )
This is because he does it all the time and hence this is all he can imagine, on the most natural level; which means on the level of his subconscious mind. Hence the way his subconscious sees it is that if he needs to pick someone’s pocket, he needs to randomly run against him, in order to distract him. It also means that when someone runs against him randomly; he may be trying to pick his pocket. Though the other person may be the biggest donor in the world; this pickpocket can only consider him to be a pickpocket as his first response which is always natural.
A saint had a number of followers and he offered spiritual discourses, which hundreds of common people apart from his disciples attended to. One night he concluded his late night discourse by saying that midnight was approaching and it was the time to do what was best for doing at this time. Though the saint meant that his disciples should now go and meditate as they did on daily basis; a number of different people attending to this discourse drew different meanings from the same line.
The disciples thought the saint was telling them to mediate, which was what he actually meant. There was a thief in the crowd and he thought the saint was telling him that it was the time to engage in the act of theft; since he did so around this time. There was a prostitute in the crowd and she thought the saint was telling her to engage in her business as she was already getting late for it.
Two lovers present in that crowd thought the saint was telling them to run away; as their parents refused to accept their love; they had planned to run away and they had come to this saint in order to look for guidance. Hence they all did what the saint told them to do; according to them. You see, though the saint only meant meditation; these people understood him differently since they needed to be like this saint in order to understand what he truly meant.
Hence only a person who engages in pure love can understand what his lover means when she says she loves him. On the other hand, a person engaging in selfish love can only imagine his lover to be doing the same; since he doesn’t know what pure love means to start with.
A person who’s blind to a color say green can never imagine green; no matter how many people try to tell him how green looks like. If he sees green as yellow; this is what it means for him. Hence whenever someone shows him green; he thinks he’s showing him yellow. If yellow is selfish love and green is purer love; this is what may happen. When your lover tells you she loves you truly and let’s assume she does; she’s showing you green. However, you may only see it as yellow which means you may only consider she’s offering selfish love.
This is why your own mind is the primary factor when it comes to heaven or hell which you may witness. Even if the other person is offering you heaven or heaven is coming to you; your own negative mind may interpret it as hell and move away from it. Though you may complain that heaven never came your way; it was you who rejected it hundreds of times; as and when it came your way.
For the sake of present example, though the way your girlfriend loves you may be quite different in reality and she may even love you in a much purer way, there is no way you can imagine the way she loves you. This is because all your imaginations will be drawn by your own mind and it can only use the information that it has, based on your experiences related to love.
To summarize, you have a strong subconscious feeling that your girlfriend may try to run away, she may try to control you and she may also have backup or backups, just like you have or had; based on your experiences in the past. As that happens; your subconscious fears of losing her rise and at the same time; you start fearing that she may also have someone else as a backup. After all, this is how you love someone and accordingly; this is all you truly know about love. This is why it is said that you can only get true love if you can give it.
As long as you’re not able to give or generate true love; you’ll simply not be able to realize how it actually feels. Hence even if the other person is trying to give you true love; you may not recognize it or you may even refuse to accept it on subconscious level. This is because her brand of love is far different from your brand of love and your brand of love is the only brand that you actually know; deep down. Hence you may never be able to understand her love or anyone else’s love for that matter, if you haven’t generated such love; at least once from within you. This is why you can get true love only if you give it as otherwise, you may simply refuse to accept it even if it comes your way; as you may mistake it for something else.
This rule works in the opposite direction also. Have you ever wondered why some very good people or saints tend to trust and love everyone though a number of people keep betraying them or cheating them? It happens for the very same reason. These saints are filled with pure love and trust for everyone and this is all they can imagine. When they say they love you or they trust you; this love and trust is the purest type of love and trust. Since they are experiencing this type of love and trust; this is what the definition of love and trust becomes for them.
Hence when a person tells one such saint that he means well for him and the saint should trust him; the saint may simply not be able to have any doubts about the intentions of this person; even if he tries to have such doubts. This is because the way he knows love and trust are the purest ways and these are the only ways he can imagine other people practicing them. It means if he never betrays anyone; he’ll naturally assume that no one will betray him also.
This is because his loyalty for other people is pure and this is the only way he can define loyalty; deep down. Hence he has no other option but to believe that everyone wishes well for him; just like he wishes well for them. We’ll discuss more about this topic, later on. In other words, this saint is blind to yellow and whenever someone shows him yellow, he sees it as green which is pure love : )
Coming back to your case, you start doubting your girlfriend on subconscious level; as you can only imagine her loving you the way you love her. It means you are at a risk of losing her anytime. As your ego has attached to her and as it hates losing things or people it gets attached to, it may start encouraging you to make sure that you don’t lose this girl.
Hence when your lover comes to meet you in the evening, you may start asking her questions related to her trip as well as those related to the meeting. The types of questions you may ask depend on the level of your intellect. If you’re much less intellectual than an average person, you may straight away ask a question like, ‘Did you enjoy this trip with your colleague?’ or ‘Did your colleague try to hit on you?’
However, if you’re an intellectual person though you have a significantly strong heart also, you may take an indirect approach and you may ask different types of question. For the sake of this example, let’s suppose you’re an intellectual person and you know that asking such questions directly can offend her and she may move away.
As you’re intellectual, you already know how much time she has spent for the entire trip and accordingly you may want to divide this time into different segments so that you may look into each segment individually. For instance, it took her seven hours for the entire trip and hence you want to look into these seven hours in details. You already know that it takes about ninety minutes to reach the destination of meeting from her office and it takes almost ninety minutes to come back. Hence you calculate that she may have spent three hours in the journey and that leaves you with four hours.
Accordingly, you may start your friendly and caring type of investigation with a question like, ‘You really look tired. Did you have to drive?’ Though it looks like a caring type of question but in reality, your intention is to know whether they went alone or a driver accompanied them. If she says anyone of them drove or both of them drove at times, you know that they were alone. Let’s go with an option here and let’s suppose she says they were accompanied by a driver and hence he drove the car.
This answer takes care of three hours as you feel that they may not have engaged in personal type of conversation in the presence of the driver. Hence you have four more hours to sort out. Accordingly, your next question may be, ‘it must be the meeting then. Did it go long?’ Once again, you’re showing a lot of concern for her but your intention is to know about the duration of the meeting, so that you may do your calculations.
Suppose she says the meeting went on for two hours and it was indeed a tiresome meeting. Now you have two more hours sorted and two hours are what you’re left with. Hence you may want to know where she spent these two hours. As you may already have an idea that the meeting was around 11 AM, you know she may have got free around 1 PM. It helps you design your next question which may be something like, ‘Did you eat your lunch properly?’
Your voice may once again be filled with care and you say this line like you’re worried about whether or not she had her lunch. However, all you may want to know in reality is where did she have her lunch? Suppose she replies that they went to a nearby restaurant after meeting and they both had their lunch there. This is what may raise alarm in your mind as this may be the time, the two of them may have interacted on personal level. You may start feeling restless inside but you may hide it well. After all, you’re an intellectual person and you’ve already lost loved ones by expressing your fears loud and clear in the past.
You may then make the next move and you may say something like, ‘did you eat properly or did you just eat soup and bread like you sometimes do?’ Once again, your voice and words may show deep concern but all you want to know are the details of what happened over this lunch. Your lover may give a genuine answer and that answer may raise one more doubt in your head. Hence you may ask one more question in the same manner and this sequence may go on for some time.
During this time, you keep showing her that you care for her; and you keep investigating her. As she leaves, a number of doubts may have raised their heads in your mind and you may want to ensure that you don’t lose this girl. As a result, you may call her the next day and you may tell her about the surprise dinner that you two are having that night. Though it looks like an act of love once again, you’re trying to balance things out in reality.
Your ego may have encouraged you to do so as this act may show her you really care and accordingly, she may value you more. The dinner may go well and you may take special care of your girlfriend. At the same time, you may keep monitoring her responses so that you may notice if something is not as good as it generally is. For instance, if she tends to eat less or she wants to go home earlier than usual, you may start doing calculations once again, as the incident of yesterday may still be haunting your mind. Lucky for you, suppose all goes very well and most of the calculations work out in your favor. This is the time your ego may feel a little relaxed, though it may only be for short duration of time.
Many other such incidents may happen from time to time, which may upset your ego and in order to feel good, it may encourage you to go through a series of other such investigations. However, doing so may obviously have negative impact on your love relationship as your lover may sooner or later realize that you doubt her and she may even get tired of this habit of yours. What may happen to this relationship is not what we want to discuss and we’re interested in something else.
As you develop more and more emotions for this girl, your ego may get more attached to her through your heart; and accordingly, it may encourage you to control her. The thing about the ego is that it always wants to control things as well as people and it doesn’t believe in letting things or people exhibit in their natural states. In order to practice such control, you may start giving her expensive gifts if you can afford them and you may start doing her many other types of favors. These are what the subtle acts of control are; as you put subconscious pressure on the other person, through these acts.
Though she may consciously think all such gifts and favors are the signs of your love for her, they are in fact the signs that you want to control her and that is why you’re doing her so many favors. It should be noted that more favors you do for someone, more you may feel that you have the right to give her advice even when she doesn’t ask for it, you have the right to influence her decisions and you even have the right to argue or even fight with her if she chooses to go against your advice. This is how you control people, though you may yourself not be aware about it at times.
It should be noted that the word ‘favors’ in this context means the acts which are assertive in nature and which are not the acts of natural love. Assertive acts of showing love rise from the need to hide the lack of pure love you have for someone whereas natural acts of showing love are effortless and they convey the exact same feelings which you have for someone, deep down. In the deepest sense, natural acts of love don’t mean to show that you love; though love may be shown through them. It means such acts rise from love and not from the need to show your love. There’s a subtle but significant difference between these two terms.
Taking a look at an example, if you purchase an expensive gift for your girlfriend, primarily because you want to show her that you love; and not because you simply feel like purchasing it for her as you know she likes the item in question; it is an act of asserting your love; which means it is an act of control. This is because the need to purchase this gift is not rising from love; it is rising from the desire to show love. These two things may look the same to some people, there’s a big difference between them.
When you love someone purely; love alone is there and the need to show your love is not there. This is because your love for this person is so natural that the need to show it never appears. It should be noted that all the natural acts happen through your subconscious mind and hence even you don’t know why they’re happening. It means if your love is pure, you feel like purchasing a diamond ring for her, you purchase it and that’s it.
This means your act of purchasing this ring is based on the feeling you have at this moment and it is not based in past or future. However, if you want to buy this diamond ring for her because you recently doubted her loyalty for nothing and you’re feeling guilty now; you recently had an argument with her and you now want to make up for it; you’re planning marriage with this girl in future and you want to make sure she says yes; you want her to value you more as a lover; this ring is expensive and hence most people can’t afford to buy it for their lovers; or for a number of other such reasons which are based in past or in future; these are the acts of asserting your love.
As a simple rule; more you have something, less you assert it and less you have something, more you assert it. This is why you don’t feel the need to assert this fact to you that you’re healthy as long as you’re really healthy. It means when you can’t feel even a single part of your body consciously since everything is perfect; you’re in best state of health and hence there is no need to assert this fact to yourself.
However, as soon as a problem appears; you may now have the need to assert that you’re healthy; if you don’t want to accept you’re not. It means in this case, you can either accept you’re not healthy or you may assert it to yourself that you’re healthy and the problem in question is not affecting your health. It should be noted that if a problem say an injury happens to your leg; it may or may not affect you deep down.
It means if you’re really not affected by it and you feel healthy; your conscious or even subconscious attention will never focus on this injury; not even for a second. If that happens; it means you’re indeed healthy though this injury may be there. However, this doesn’t happen in most cases as only a saint can do this; and hence the second option is the prevalent one. This option says that though you may try to assert this fact to yourself that you’re healthy; your subconscious mind visits this injury again and again. More it visits this injury; more it knows you’re not healthy; more it tells the same to your conscious mind; more your conscious mind asserts you’re healthy in order to counteract the feeling sent by your subconscious mind and clearer it becomes that you’re not healthy in reality.
Your conscious attention or effort is required only when there’s something which can’t be managed by your subconscious mind; which means which can’t be done naturally, which means without conscious effort. Hence as soon as you need conscious effort to do something; such act becomes unnatural. It should be noted that effort in this context means the effort of the mind and not necessarily that of the body. For instance, when food is digested after you eat it; this act happens naturally and you don’t pay conscious attention to it; until something goes wrong.
Suppose you’ve eaten a lot about an hour ago and under some type of formal compulsion; you have to eat once again. When you eat with difficulty in this case; you consciously feel the need to make some space in your stomach and you consciously feel this food disturbing your stomach once you eat it. This is because your subconscious mind now finds it difficult to do this job in a natural way and hence it informs your conscious mind to pay attention. As long as there’s no problem related to this issue; your conscious mind doesn’t need to pay attention.
Similarly; you don’t need to pay conscious attention to your process of breathing since your subconscious mind takes care of it; which means it happens naturally. However, as soon as there’s a health issue or there’s a situation which makes it difficult for you to breathe; you need conscious attention. It happens because your subconscious mind alone can’t take care of this issue now; and hence your conscious mind is informed to pay attention. Therefore you may consciously try hard to breathe until this process becomes natural once again.
For instance, after running at fast pace for a while; you may consciously feel the need to focus on breathing and hence you may start breathing with conscious effort. This is because you’re falling short of oxygen; you need much more than usual amount of oxygen and hence you need conscious attention or effort. As soon as your breathing process returns to normal; you don’t feel the need to pay conscious attention to it and it becomes natural once again.