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When that happens, two opposite types of energies may initiate a complex reaction inside you. Your intellect may strongly advise you that this is all rubbish as there is no logic for this nonsense talk. Hence your intellect may tell you to convince your lover that she’s wrong and she shouldn’t think or talk like this. However, at the same time, your heart starts telling you that if you do so, she may get offended and you should not do anything to hurt her.
Since your heart is deeply and purely attached to this girl at this stage and you don’t want to offend her at any cost, you’re stuck in an inner conflict. Your intellect strongly suggests you to overrule this nonsense whereas your heart tells you to agree to what she says. All this may happen very fast and in a matter of a couple of seconds, your heart and intellect may have suggested you tens of things in support of their demands. As your heart is likely to win this case, you may eventually agree with her, against the advice of your intellect.
Hence you agree with her and you may even tell her that you also believe that morning dreams come true. Though your lover as well as your heart may welcome this answer, your intellect may strongly oppose it. Let’s now look at the process which is taking place inside you, shortly after you agree to your lover’s point of view.
By choosing to go against the advice of your intellect, you’ve given a signal to your subconscious mind that whenever there’s a conflict between your heart and intellect, you want to go with your heart and not with your intellect. At the same time, you’ve refused to listen to your intellect and you’ve chosen not to pay attention to the logics and facts given by it in support of its actions. By doing so, you’ve shown disinterest in your intellect and that also sends a negative signal as far as your mental plane is concerned.
However, this may not be much trouble as this is only one event. But as it starts happening every now and then, which may certainly be so because in order to maintain a love relationship on a healthy level, you may have to ignore your intellect and listen to your heart only, in most cases. With these repeated actions, you keep sending messages to your subconscious mind that you need more heart and less intellect.
This is because whenever you tend to use intellect while interacting with this girl, you may offend her or she may disagree with you during most of these incidences. For example, while chatting over coffee, your lover may tell you that she likes extra sugar in her coffee though some people advise her not to do so as it is unhealthy. She may also say that she doesn’t care about those people and she does what she likes as it is her life. She may then suddenly involve you in this equation and she may ask for your opinion on this matter. It means she may ask you whether she’s doing the right thing by having extra sugar in her coffee or not?
As you can understand, it is a tricky question. It is obvious that if you depend on your intellect alone in this case, you may end up offending your lover. This is because she’s already told you that she likes extra sugar in her coffee, some people advise her against this habit and she doesn’t care what they say. Kindly understand that this girl has already made it clear through these lines that she expects you to like her habit of having extra sugar in her coffee, though she’s done it in a subconscious way.
Kindly pay attention to the extra lines added by her, which say some people don’t like this habit of hers and she doesn’t care what they say. She may simply have said that she likes extra sugar in her coffee and she may then have asked for your opinion on this matter. If she only wanted to know your neutral opinion, this was a better way to do it. Then why did she use those extra lines? You’ll be surprised to know that she may not have used these extra lines consciously and they may just have slipped out of her mouth.
The reason why she used these extra lines is that deep inside, she’s afraid that you may also vote against extra sugar in coffee and if you do so, there’s another vote which tries to prove her wrong and ask her to quit this habit. As she enjoys this habit a lot and she may have a reasonably developed ego also, like all of us do, she may not want to hear anything against this habit. This is because the more is the number of people telling her that it is a bad habit, the more she may have to believe that it is a bad habit and she must quit it.
When this happens, there are many things going inside her. Since she likes extra sugar in her coffee, it means her heart supports it as most of the likings come from the heart. If she has a reasonably developed ego, that ego may also be attached to this habit as this is the job of ego. This means that almost all of us get attached to what we like and what we do on regular basis. When you get attached to a habit or anything you do on regular basis, your ego also gets attached to it and it doesn’t want to hear opinions against this thing.
This is because if you pay attention to such opinions and you start believing that what you’re doing is not right, this may hurt your ego. Kindly understand that it is not a simple admission of something wrong or something not so right being done by you, it is much more than that. For instance, when a number of people tell your lover that she’s wrong in having extra sugar in her coffee as that may expose her to health problems in the long run, it is not just one thing and there are many things happening inside her.
The first thing is her liking for extra sugar which goes against such advices. It means her heart may keep telling her not to pay attention to these people as otherwise, she may have to quit having extra sugar in her coffee. Hence there is already one vote against such advices. The second factor is that if she’s doing it for a long period of time and her ego has attached to this habit, the ego may also vote against such advice.
This happens because when a person tells you that having extra sugar in your coffee is bad for your health and hence you should stop having it, this simple statement tells you much more than you think it does. This statement tells you that extra sugar in your coffee is bad, this also tells you that you didn’t know or didn’t agree to this fact till now and that in itself tells you that you’re not a smart person. This is because you don’t know or realize simple facts that most people know and hence you’re not a smart person or maybe you’re a dumb person.
When it comes to being a less smart person than the average, your ego gets involved and it may take this statement as an insult. Kindly note that the focus has now shifted from extra sugar and it has been shifted to what type of a person you are. If you admit that having extra sugar in your coffee is wrong and you didn’t know it, you also admit that you know less than many people and the other person knows more than you; or probably much more than you.
This may instantly give you a feeling of inferiority. There are many ways you may react to this situation and we’ll discuss some of them. If you don’t have a well developed ego and you’re willing to learn and improve anytime, you may admit to this fact and you may say that you’ll try to quit this habit. However, when it comes to ego, most of us have it much bigger than even we know it and this is what the root cause of most problems related to relationships in this world is.
In case you have a reasonably sized ego, the chances of which are high, here is how you may respond. You may tell this person that extra sugar may be bad for some people but it is not essentially bad for everyone. Some people do well with extra sugar and you’re one of them. This may start an argument though it may be a controlled and decent type of argument. This is because if the other person also has a reasonably sized ego, the chances of which are once again high, the same process may start inside him also.
It means he knows something, he’s sure of it and he’s trying to convince you about this thing with the help of his knowledge. However, as you choose to contradict his opinion and you even start supplying facts in favor of your statements, his ego also gets involved. This is because if you prove that he’s wrong or he’s not completely right, it is once again not as simple as it looks and it goes as deep as his ego, though on a subconscious level.
It is interesting to see that this chain of statements starts from a simple line which says having extra sugar in your coffee is bad as it may expose you to health risks and hence you should not have it. However, sooner than you know, it may turn into an argument, primarily because of the involvement of egos from both sides. You may challenge this statement partly or fully and you may supply facts and logics in support of your replies. You do this because you don’t want to lose this argument and you don’t want to lose this argument because that hurts your ego by telling you that you’re a loser. Your admission may also tell you that so far, you’ve been doing this thing wrong which means you’re not as smart as you think you are.
All this is happening on subconscious level and at a fast pace. Hence you may not have conscious knowledge of all this happening inside you and you may simply feel like acting naturally according to the situation. You may tell this person that extra sugar is not bad for everyone and this is true in your case in particular. You may then also tell him that you’ve been having extra sugar in your coffee since childhood and you’ve not experienced any health issue due to this habit, so far. It means your ego may have come to the scene in order to protect itself and it may have decided to fight till the end.
As your words go to the other person, he may either agree to them or he may oppose them. In case he chooses to agree with you, he may have to accept that he was wrong in what he was saying or he was not completely right. When that happens, his ego may also get involved and he may choose to disagree with you. This is because this simple admission of being wrong may tell him that he’s not as smart as he thinks he is and he’s filled with incomplete or untrue knowledge.
If this person has acquired this knowledge recently, he may not have attached much ego to it and hence it may become easy for him to agree with you. However, if he has this knowledge for many years and he’s proven himself right many times during these years, there’s almost no chance that he may agree to your statement. In order to understand this concept, let’s try to look into the working of your ego.
Among many traits your ego has, it has a strong tendency to assign value to things or people; based on how much it has invested in them. It means if you’ve invested only a few days in something, your ego may not be much attached to it as it has not invested much time till this point. Another fact that should be understood at this point is that your ego always wants something in return for its investments and that is why it gets attached in the first place. As a general rule, the more is any type of investment made by it in anything or anyone, the more is the expectation for results or returns and accordingly, the more is the attachment.
The word attachment in its deep sense means that you’ve done something for someone or something and you’re now waiting for the returns. If the results don’t come or they are not as good as you expect, your ego gets hurt and you may react in a not so good manner. Another catch with your ego is that no matter how good the results may be, it may almost always tell you that your effort was more in comparison to the results delivered to you. This is one of the ways through which your ego feels satisfied.
For example, if you help a friend in time of need and you expect him to do something for you in return at a proper time, your ego gets attached to it. When the time comes and your friend helps you as you thought, even that help may disturb you, depending on the size of your ego. It may happen that your friend may offer you help which may be bigger or much bigger than your help. When that happens, there are many ways you may subconsciously respond to this act of help.
If you don’t have a big ego, you may feel grateful for this friend and you may at the same time pat yourself on your back as it was you who knew many years back that this friend will help you in times of need. It means you did the right thing by helping this friend long back and that help has paid in full now. This validates the ability of your intellect to judge people and through that, it satisfies your ego. You see, how your ego may find ways to interfere with most things and attach itself to them. However, this is only the case if you don’t have a big ego and it may get worse if you have one.
In case the size of your ego is big, the thought of being grateful to your friend may not come to your mind and a different type of thought pattern may initiate inside your subconscious mind. This thought pattern starts comparing the size of help offered by your friend with the size of help offered by you, as it wants to find out who offered more help. It should be noted that people with big egos may simply not be able to accept more from other people than they’ve given them. This happens because their egos feel satisfied only when they’ve given more and not when they’ve taken more.
In fact, their egos may start hurting them from inside if that happens. As a result, these people may start finding ways to balance out such situations. Coming to the present example, if you have a big ego, it may start comparing your help with your friend’s help. If a part of your intellect tells you that the help offered by your friend is bigger or much bigger than that offered by you but your ego is not able to digest this fact, you may respond in different ways to balance out this situation, depending on your personality type.
One of these ways is that you may resolve in your mind that as soon as you can, you’ll do something for this friend and that something may be of the quantum which may settle this equation in your favor. It means that such act should rearrange this equation in a way that the favor done to your friend by you in the past plus the favor to be done by you to him in future becomes more than the quantum of favor done by him to you. As you reach this decision, your ego feels partly satisfied and it waits for you to engage in such favor so that it may feel fully satisfied.
If you’re a different type of personality, you may start finding ways to assure yourself that the quantum of help offered by you was in fact greater than the quantum of help offered by your friend. For example, if you gave Rupees ten thousand to your friend about five years ago and he gave you Rupees twenty thousand recently, this is what your ego may do to feel satisfied. Your ego may use your intellect to its advantage and through your intellect; it may find facts and logics to assure you that the help offered by you is more in quantum.
For instance, your intellect may tell you that over these five years, the factor of inflation has played in a way that the value held by an amount of Rupees ten thousand five years back; now corresponds to the amount of Rupees twenty five thousand. This way, when the factor of inflation is taken into consideration, you gave your friend Rupees twenty five thousand and he gave you Rupees twenty thousand. Your ego reaches this conclusion that the help offered by you was bigger and hence it feels satisfied.
However, if through the calculations of inflation, your intellect finds that the amount of Rupees ten thousand about five years back now corresponds to the amount of Rupees fifteen thousand, your problem may still persist. This is because after adjusting the inflation factor, you gave your friend Rupees fifteen thousand and he gave you Rupees twenty thousand. There is a gap of Rupees five thousand, this gap is hurting your ego and it has to be balanced out in some way, so that your ego may feel satisfied.
Your ego looks towards your intellect for help and sooner than you may realize, your intellect may offer such help with yet another fact. Your intellect tells you that when you gave Rupees ten thousand to your friend, you earned Rupees twenty thousand per month, which means you gave half your salary to your friend. Now your friend has given your Rupees twenty thousand and he earns Rupees sixty thousand per month.
Hence your intellect does all the calculations and it tells you that five years back, you offered half of your salary to your friend and five years later, he’s offered one third of his salary to you. Since one half is more than one third, your help was indeed greater in quantum. The conclusion is once again reached that your help was greater in quantum than the help offered by your friend and your ego feels satisfied once again.
Even if this factor doesn’t work out in your favor, your ego may ask for more help and your intellect may come up with more facts and calculations to change this equation in favor of your ego. This may keep happening until your intellect has supplied facts which are sufficient to prove that the help offered by you was more in quantum than the help offered by your friend. You see, how complicated things may get even when a friend offers you help in time of need. All this happens because of your ego and this is why it is said that ego is the biggest hurdle on the path to spiritual growth and liberation.
Coming back to attachment of ego to things and people, the more you invest in something or someone, the more your ego gets attached to this thing or person and the more difficult it is get rid of this thing or person. Hence if you’ve acquired a piece of information recently and you haven’t used it much, your ego may not have strongly attached to it. It means you may find it relatively easier to let go of this piece of information or correct it if needed.
However, if you’ve acquired this piece of information many years back like ten years back, you’ve used it a lot and with the help of this information, you’ve convinced a number of people, it may become very difficult for you to let go of it as your ego may now have strongly attached to it. This is because if at this time, you come to know that this piece of information is incorrect, this fact leads to many conclusions.
The first conclusion is that you wasted ten years of your life believing in something which was not correct. This further tells you that you’re not a smart person as even an incorrect piece of information can fool you for ten years. Another thought that may cross your mind is that over these ten years, you’ve convinced dozens of people that this information is correct. If you now admit that it is wrong, it means you misguided all those people, which gives you one more reason to feel ashamed.
Going even further, the ideal thing to do in case of your admission that this piece of information is incorrect is that you should contact all those people or as many of them as you can; and you should tell them that the information given by you to them was incorrect. You should also apologize to them that due to ignorance, you supplied them with incorrect information. This is where the biggest problem happens.
It is not as simple as accepting something on merit and it goes far deeper. It’s not about whether what you believe in is true or not and it is rather about your entire identity, at least according to your ego. I mean, you have to believe that you were wrong about something for ten years, you misguided people and the hardest part; you should apologize to all of them. This is the time to understand that apology is one of the biggest enemies of ego. Hence it can do anything but apologize. This is what complicates this equation.
Since all these things look difficult to do, your ego encourages you to find another way. Your intellect comes to help and this other way is found. This ways says that if you prove that your piece of information is correct, you won’t have to face all these problems. Encouraged by your ego, you start arguing in favor of the information given by you and as the other person is also doing the same thing, the situation gets complicated.
You see, on the surface, it all looks like the mentioning of a simple piece of information that extra sugar is bad for health. However, deep down, it may soon become a question of existence as the result of this argument may decide whose existence is more valid or more valuable. This is why you find even simple discussions turning into serious arguments or even into disputes as no one wants to take a hit on his ego. It should be noted that most of this happens inside your subconscious mind and you may not have any idea about this. Hence you may engage in one such argument as you may consciously feel that you’re representing the truth whereas the real reason for this argument may not be known to you even.
Coming back to your lover, as she feels relaxed while sitting with you, she mentions this fact that she likes extra sugar in her coffee. However, as soon as she says it, her subconscious mind reminds her of all those incidents when other people told her to quit this habit as it is unhealthy. A chain of thoughts starts within her subconscious mind and it processes at lightening pace.
The first thought is followed by the subconscious thoughts that she argued with most of those people in support of her habit and the arguments didn’t go anywhere as she stood in favor of her statement whereas those people stood firm in support of their statements. As a result, a draw was reached in most of these cases, which means the matter heated up and then the argument reached a point where both parties didn’t have anything to say. This was the time when a dirty silence prevailed for some time and then both parties moved on to a different topic.
The fact that no conclusion was reached and both parties decided to stick to their point of views indicates that both of them had reasonably developed egos which didn’t want to lose the argument. As this series of thoughts crosses her subconscious mind, another very important thought comes to her subconscious mind. It is the thought that deep down, she disliked all those people for trying to make her believe that she has a bad habit. She may not have said it to their faces but she subconsciously developed partial disliking for those people.
The phrase partial disliking in this context means that when you interact with someone, both of you engage in a series of things affecting each other. Hence the other person does certain things which you like whereas he may do certain things you don’t like. All these findings are recorded on your subconscious mind and at any point in time, it has all this data as well as the conclusion of the analysis of this data for this person. It means there may be 40% likes for this person and 60% dislikes for this person, which further means that you like 40% habits of this person or things done by this person whereas you dislike 60% of his habits or actions.
Whenever you think about this person, your subconscious mind analyzes all this data and it gives you a conclusion based on calculations of your experiences with this person so far. This conclusion may be called your internal rating for this person. In the present case, this rating may be ‘not a very good person but may be tried in some situations’. The phrase some situations in this context means that he does certain things which you like and which constitute the 40% positive rating for him.
For example, he may be a very good mountain tracker and you may also like mountain tracking though you may not be as good as he is. Your subconscious mind registers this fact in favor of this person and it may encourage you to avail his company whenever you wish to go for mountain tracking as your previous experiences of mountain tracking with him were good.
Looking at a negative point, this person may love to show off his possessions or his qualities and you may strongly dislike it. It may have happened that while being at get-togethers with him, he may have showed off a lot and he may have even embarrassed you in front of other people. For instance, he may have said that once you two went for mountain tracking, you felt completely helpless at a point in time and you were able to complete the mission with his help only. Hence your ego dislikes it, your subconscious mind marks this habit of him as negative one and it uses this fact for calculations.
It means when you think of this person, your subconscious mind suggests you to avail his company while going for mountain tracking and at the same time, avoid his company when you plan for a get together as he may embarrass you in front of other people. Hence you may choose to go for mountain tracking with this person but you may avoid partying with him. All this goes inside your subconscious mind, all these calculations are processed very fast and you may not have even the slightest idea about any of these records and calculations.
All you may notice is the conclusion which is delivered in any case related to this person. It means when you think of this person, you may get conclusions like, ‘good for mountain tracking but bad for partying’. Similarly, there may be many other facts related to this person which your subconscious mind may have recorded through your interactions and experiences with this person over a number of years. This is how you generally rate a person and this is how your subconscious mind does all this job of recording the facts, marking them positive or negative, making calculations and then delivering the conclusions.
You see, how much is going inside your subconscious mind and how many calculations it may be doing when you engage in a simple looking conscious thought like who should I go with for mountain tracking or for partying. Since all of this happens at lightening pace as well as in the hidden as your subconscious mind is the hidden part of your mind, you may not have much conscious knowledge of this process.
Taking a look at the rating given by your subconscious mind to this person, this rating says, ‘not a very good person but may be tried in some situations’. It is interesting to see that the rating given for different habits of this person may not be the actual rating and it may only be his rating from your point of view and to be precise, from your ego’s point of view. Moving on, since your point of view is yours, which means your ego is attached to your point of view, it may not be neutral in most cases. Hence you mark a habit of this person as positive when your ego sees profit in that habit whereas you mark such habit as negative when your ego sees loss in it.