Coming back to the topic, since your heart is corrupted by your self-pride; you’ve never engaged in pure love and hence you simply can’t imagine how pure love operates. All you can do is to compare it to the closest thing you’ve done and then judge it on the basis of that experience.
When it comes to the closest thing; it is the kind of love that you engage in. Since this love is corrupted and at the same time; this corruption is hidden from your conscious knowledge as this is a unconscious kind of corruption; the kind of love that you practice is the most you can imagine and nothing more than that, in the deepest sense.
Let’s now look at the kind of love you’re practicing; considering your love is corrupted by your self-pride. The first thing you wish deep down is to control your lover so that she may do things or she may behave as you desire her to; as self-pride loves nothing more than control. Through experiences in a number of lives; your self-pride knows that its acts of control often make other natives run away; and this information is also stored on your unconscious part of brain/mind through such experiences. It means your self-pride tried to control a number of natives in this life as well as in your past lives and most of those natives eventually moved away from you; as no one wants to be controlled; just like you don’t desire to be controlled.
Kindly note that self-pride necessarily pushes natives away from you and there is no exception to this rule. Higher is your self-pride, more you get attached to natives and/or things, more you try to control them on account of such attachment; and more you tend to push them away from you because no one wants to be controlled. This is because being controlled by the others goes against the basic rule of freewill for every soul. Even if some natives don’t know this rule consciously at certain times; they always know it subconsciously as this is the first rule of nature, related to the souls. Hence it is the first right of every soul to express itself freely.
As a result, when you try to control natives or you try to restrict their freedom; they may start moving away from you. Some of them may consciously know that you’re trying to control them whereas some of them may know it only on unconscious level. Hence they may simply feel that you’re making them uncomfortable most of the time and they don’t feel comfortable in your company. The end result in both these cases is the same; which is the fact that these natives move away from you.
As it keeps happening; your unconscious part of brain/mind stores all these experiences. Since you don’t desire your dear ones to move away from you as no one wants that to happen; there are only two options left for you. The first option is to stop controlling them so that they may not run away from you. However, this option needs conscious knowledge of your acts controlled by self-pride and it also requires you to bring your self-pride down to a tolerable level; if not kill it altogether. Since a number of such natives are consciously not aware that natives are running away from them on account of their self-prides; they can’t move to the second step; which is to lower self-pride which means to build more moral-sense.
Looking at the natives who do realize that their loved ones move away from them on account of the acts of control generated by their strong self-prides; killing or reducing self-pride is not everyone’s cup of tea. As already mentioned; to get rid of self-pride is the most difficult job that a person or a soul faces and it becomes even more difficult in case of natives who already have strong self-prides. It means these natives don’t have significant amounts of moral-sense since strong self-pride means low moral-sense and vice-versa. Hence their chances of getting rid of self-pride are far less than natives with relatively low self-prides and high consciences.
Since this option goes against your self-pride and you have strong self-pride; it may create another option which is more likely to be the option you desire. This option says that the reason your loved ones keep running away is that you are not able to control them in proper manner. It means that you’re either not able to control them enough to stop them from running away or you’re doing it in a way which makes it obvious to them that you desire to control them.
Hence your self-pride may suggest you to change the ways you control your loved ones; so that you may control them more and at the same time; they may not know that your acts of love are acts of control in reality. This option looks good and as your self-pride is supporting you; the chances of success are high; at least according to you. Accordingly, you may choose this option and you may start controlling your loved ones even more and maybe in hidden ways; so that they may not run away. Your unconscious part of brain/mind has all this information stored on it and it knows that when you say love; it means control.
Another advice that your self-pride may forward to you is that whenever possible, you should have backups so that you may not have to suffer much, if the primary option fails. This advice applies to the relationships like love and it means that though you’re engaged with one person; you should look for or even mark at least one more option which may be used as a backup option. It means when you have a girlfriend the next time; you may still keep looking for other women and you may even initiate a good level of targeted friendship with a couple of them.
The phrase ‘targeted friendship’ in this context means that you may convey to one such woman either consciously or subconsciously which is more likely to be the case; that you really like her and if you have an option; you desire to have a love relationship with her. You may assess the responses of a number of women you like and you may finalize a couple of them; who may also be interested in this proposal of yours; as they may also have similar personalities and they may also be looking for backups.
All this information is stored on your unconscious part of brain/mind since you can’t hide anything from your unconscious part of brain/mind though you can hide a lot from your conscious part of brain/mind. Hence you may do all these things and you may not even be consciously aware to the fullest that you’re doing all this to feed your self-pride. It means you may consider your acts of control as your acts of love and you may consider the backup women as the women you like a lot and nothing more than that. Since acts of love are good and liking someone is natural; you stay away from conscious guilt most of the time and all the guilt is forming on the unconscious level.
Let’s now sum up the information stored on your unconscious part of brain/mind and find out; what love means for you in reality. The way your unconscious part of brain/mind understands love is that it is an act of control, such control should be practiced in the best possible manner and at the same time; backup options should be there in case of require. This is what love means for you deep down and this is what you can imagine love to be at the most. It means that though you may keep assigning more value to your love as well as to the love that your girlfriend has for you; all these things are only happening on the level of your conscious part of brain/mind and they don’t matter much.
What matters is the value assigned to love or anything for that matter; by your unconscious part of brain/mind since it knows a lot more than your conscious part of brain/mind. Hence in reality or deep down; love can only mean control plus backup option for you and nothing more than that. Since you’ve never gone beyond this; there’s no way you can actually imagine love beyond this point. Though you may virtually keep imagining a number of things but they don’t matter. Hence deep down; love means control and backup for you and that’s it.
However, this is not the end of your problems and a bigger problem starts from here. Since this is your true definition of love; your unconscious part of brain/mind can only expect this kind of love from your lover and this is where it gets complicated. Consider you’ve eaten ten mangos so far, with one mango at different times; and all ten of them were either sour or not sweet. Though in general, most mangos are sweet and it is only because of bad luck or something else that you came across mangos which were not sweet; a problem starts deep down in your unconscious part of brain/mind.
The way you can actually imagine the taste of a mango is the way you’ve felt it so far and not the way which most natives suggest. It means that though mangos may taste sweet for most natives or for a friend of yours; they don’t taste sweet for you; not until you’ve tasted one sweet mango at the least. No matter how much you may try to convince yourself that if the whole world says mangos are sweet; they are sweet; you may not succeed in believing so in the deepest sense. This is because your experiences with mangos tell you they’re not sweet and when it comes to your experiences; they’re valued much more by your brain/mind than the opinions of other natives.
This is because you’ve actually lived them and what other natives are saying may or may not be true; at least in your case. Hence you can’t completely believe that mangos are sweet and you’ll always have doubts about this fact; on account of the experiences of the opposite kind, which you’ve gone through, related to the taste of mango. The only way out of this circumstance is to actually taste a number of mangos which are sweet and only then you may be able to get rid of your past experiences which say mangos are not sweet.
The same is happening in this case also. Your perception of love is that it is an act of control plus backup and you simply can’t go beyond this. Though you may read a number of beautiful things about love and you may try to imagine how beautiful pure love can be; they won’t help and you have to go by your own experiences. One experience witnessed by you is valued much more by your brain/mind, than the opinions of hundreds of natives related to the same experience.
This is on account of the reason that when you actually live something; it is the biggest proof for how that thing is; at least for you. Hence no one can convince you completely against it; and only you can do so; by going through the same thing again and again; and witnessing different kinds of experiences; which may be similar to what other natives are telling you.
Therefore, you can’t imagine the purest kind of love as you’ve never practiced it and all you can imagine is the kind of love already described. This is where a significant problem lies. Though you may consciously seem to trust your girlfriend when she says that she loves you in an honest manner; you simply can’t trust her on unconscious level no matter how hard you may try. This is because the word love rings different bells to your unconscious part of brain/mind and you may start imagining her in your circumstance, which is the only way you can actually imagine her.
Consider you were once thrown into ice cold water and you were forced to stay in it for five minutes though you hated this experience as you don’t feel comfortable with cold water. This experience will get registered on your unconscious part of brain/mind in a strong as well as negative manner; which means as a painful memory. The next time you see someone being thrown into ice cold water; your own experience of discomfort may become alive. It is interesting that even if the other person enjoys ice cold water; you can’t do the same in your brain/mind.
This is because his experiences are his and your experiences are yours. Accordingly, you can’t enjoy ice cold water just because someone else enjoys it and you’ll still keep hating it or disliking it; if it gives you discomfort whenever you try to get into it. Every person may react differently to the same circumstance; based on his exact personality kind and his experience in one such circumstance is his genuine version of truth for that circumstance. It means when you say that ice cold water is troublesome, you’re telling the truth as that is how you felt it or knew it. At the same time, when the other person is saying that ice cold water is fun; he’s also telling the truth; though it is his truth.
Hence the truth can be different for different natives in the same circumstance and only your version of truth is the real truth for you; at any point in time. You may not know or follow this rule on conscious level and you may try to convince yourself against your experiences, if a number of natives are telling you something else about the same experiences. However, your unconscious part of brain/mind places much more value to your own experiences as it knows this rule that what other natives are saying may be true for them; but it may not be true for you. This is the reason you see different natives experiencing the same things or circumstances in different ways; based on their exact personalities at the time of experiencing such things or circumstances.
Therefore, in the deepest sense; you can only imagine love to be an act of control plus backup and nothing more than that. Based on this knowledge, your unconscious part of brain/mind may automatically assume that your girlfriend also means the same things; when she says or thinks she loves you. If someone accidently runs against a pickpocket; the first thing the latter may do is to check if the other person has not tried to pick his pocket.
This is because he does it all the time and hence this is all he can imagine, on the most natural level; which means on the level of his unconscious part of brain/mind. Hence the way his unconscious sees it is that if he needs to pick someone’s pocket, he needs to randomly run against him, in order to distract him. It also means that when someone runs against him randomly; he may be trying to pick his pocket. Though the other person may be the biggest donor in the world; this pickpocket can only consider him to be a pickpocket as his first response which is always natural.
A saint had a number of followers and he offered spiritual discourses, which a number of common natives apart from his disciples attended. Once he concluded his late night discourse by saying that midnight was approaching and it was the time to do what was best for doing at that time. Though the saint meant that his disciples should go and meditate as they did on daily basis; a number of natives attending to this discourse drew different meanings from the same line.
The disciples thought the saint was telling them to mediate, which was what he actually meant. There was a thief in the crowd and he thought the saint was telling him that it was the time to engage in the act of theft; since he did so around that time. There was a prostitute in the crowd and she thought the saint was telling her to engage in her business as she was already getting late for it.
Two lovers present in that crowd thought the saint was telling them to run away; as their parents refused to accept their love; they had planned to run away and they had come to this saint in order to look for guidance. Hence they all did what the saint told them to do; according to them. You see, though the saint only meant meditation; various natives understood him differently since they required to be like the saint in order to understand what he truly meant.
A person who’s blind to a colour say green can never imagine green; no matter how many natives try to tell him how green looks like. If he sees green as yellow; this is what it means for him. Hence whenever someone shows him green; he thinks he’s showing him yellow. If yellow is selfish love and green is purer love; this is what may happen. When your lover tells you she loves you truly and let’s assume she does; she’s showing you green. However, you may only see it as yellow which means you may only consider she’s offering selfish love.
This is the reason your own brain/mind is the primary factor when it comes to heaven or hell which you may witness. Even if the other person is offering you heaven or heaven is coming to you; your own negative brain/mind may interpret it as hell and move away from it. Though you may complain that heaven never came your way; it was you who rejected it hundreds of times; as and when it came your way.
For the sake of present example, though the way your girlfriend loves you may be quite different in reality and she may even love you in a much purer way, there is no way you can imagine the way she loves you. This is because all your imaginations will be drawn by your own brain/mind and it can only use the information that it has, based on your experiences related to love.
To summarize, you have a strong unconscious feeling that your girlfriend may try to run away, she may try to control you and she may also have backup or backups, just like you have or had; based on your experiences in the past. As that happens; your unconscious fears of losing her rise and at the same time; you start fearing that she may also have someone else as a backup. After all, this is how you love someone and accordingly; this is all you truly know about love. This is the reason it is said that you can only get true love if you can give it.
As long as you’re not able to give or generate true love; you’ll simply not be able to realize how it actually feels. Hence even if the other person tries to give you true love; you may not recognize it or you may even refuse to accept it on unconscious level. This is because her brand of love is far different from your brand of love and your brand of love is the only brand that you actually know; deep down. Hence you may never be able to understand her love or anyone else’s love for that matter, if you haven’t generated such love; at least once from within you. That is the reason you can get true love only if you give it as otherwise, you may simply refuse to accept it even if it comes your way; as you may mistake it for something else.
This rule works in the opposite direction also. Have you ever wondered why some very good natives or saints tend to trust and love everyone though a number of natives keep betraying them or cheating them? It happens for the very same reason. These saints are filled with pure love and trust for everyone and this is all they can imagine. When they say they love you or they trust you; this love and trust is the purest kind of love and trust. Since they are experiencing this kind of love and trust; this is what the definition of love and trust becomes for them.
Hence when a person tells one such saint that he means well for him and the saint should trust him; the saint may simply not be able to have any doubts about the intentions of this person; even if he tries to have such doubts. This is because the way he knows love and trust; are the purest ways and these are the only ways he can imagine other natives practicing them. It means if he never betrays anyone; he’ll automatically assume that no one will betray him also.
This is because his loyalty for other natives is pure and this is the only way he can define loyalty; deep down. Hence he has no other option but to believe that everyone wishes well for him; just like he wishes well for them. We’ll discuss more about this topic, later on. In other words, this saint is blind to yellow and whenever someone shows him yellow, he sees it as green which is pure love.
Coming back to your case, you start doubting your girlfriend on unconscious level; as you can only imagine her loving you the way you love her. It means you are at a risk of losing her anytime. As your self-pride has got attached to her and as it hates losing things or natives it gets attached to, it may start encouraging you to make sure that you don’t lose this woman.
Hence when your lover comes to meet you in the evening, you may start asking her questions related to her trip as well as those related to the meeting. The kinds of questions you may ask depend on the level of your brain. If you’re much less brainy than an average person, you may straight away ask a question like, ‘Did you enjoy this trip with your colleague?’ or ‘Did your colleague try to hit on you?’
However, if you’re an brainy person though you have a significantly strong heart also, you may take an indirect approach and you may ask different kinds of question. For the sake of this example, let’s consider you’re an brainy person and you know that asking such questions directly can offend her and she may move away.
As you’re brainy, you already know how much time she has spent for the entire trip and accordingly you may desire to divide this time into different segments so that you may look into each segment individually. For example, it took her seven hours for the entire trip and hence you desire to look into these seven hours in details. You already know that it takes about ninety minutes to reach the destination of meeting from her office and it takes almost ninety minutes to come back. Hence you calculate that she has spent three hours in the journey and that leaves you with four hours.
Accordingly, you may start your friendly and caring kind of investigation with a question like, ‘You really look tired. Did you have to drive?’ Though it looks like a caring kind of question but in reality, your intention is to know whether they went alone or a driver accompanied them. If she says anyone of them drove or both of them drove at times, you know that they were alone. Let’s go with an option here and let’s consider she says they were accompanied by a driver and hence he drove the car.
This answer takes care of three hours as you feel that they might not have engaged in personal kind of conversation in the presence of the driver. Hence you have four more hours to sort out. Accordingly, your next question may be, ‘it must be the meeting then. Did it go long?’ Once again, you’re showing a lot of concern for her but your intention is to know about the duration of the meeting, so that you may do your calculations.
Consider she says the meeting went on for two hours and it was indeed a tiresome meeting. Now you have two more hours sorted and two hours are what you’re left with. Hence you may desire to know where she spent these two hours. As you already have an idea that the meeting was around 11 AM, you know she got free around 1 PM. It helps you design your next question which may be something like, ‘Did you eat your lunch properly?’
Your voice may again be filled with care and you say this line like you’re worried about whether or not she had her lunch. However, all you desire to know in reality is where did she have her lunch? Consider she replies that they went to a nearby restaurant after meeting and they both had their lunch there. This is what may raise alarm in your brain/mind as this might be the time, the two of them might have interacted on personal level. You may start feeling restless inside but you may hide it well. After all, you’re an brainy person and you’ve already lost loved ones by expressing your fears loud and clear in the past.
You may then make the next move and you may say something like, ‘did you eat properly or did you just eat soup and bread like you sometimes do?’ Once again, your voice and words may show deep concern but all you desire to know are the details of what happened over the lunch. Your lover may give a genuine answer and that answer may raise one more doubt in your head. Hence you may ask one more question in the same manner and this sequence may go on for some time.
During this time, you keep showing her that you care for her; and you keep investigating her. As she leaves, a number of doubts have raised their heads in your brain/mind and you may desire to ensure that you don’t lose this woman. As a result, you may call her the next day and you may tell her about the surprise dinner that you two are having that night. Though it looks like an act of love, you’re trying to balance things out in reality.
Your self-pride has encouraged you to do so as this act may show her you really care and accordingly, she may value you more. The dinner may go well and you may take special care of your girlfriend. At the same time, you may keep monitoring her responses so that you may notice if something is not as good as it generally is. For example, if she tends to eat less or she wants to go home earlier than usual, you may start doing calculations again, as the incident of yesterday may still be haunting your brain/mind. Lucky for you, consider all goes very well and most of the calculations work out in your favour. This is the time your self-pride may feel a little relaxed, though it may only be for short duration of time.
Many other such incidents may happen from time to time, which may upset your self-pride and in order to feel good, it may encourage you to go through a series of other such investigations. However, doing so may obviously have negative impact on your relationship as your lover may sooner or later realize that you doubt her and she may get tired of this habit of yours. What may happen to this relationship is not what we desire to discuss and we’re interested in something else.
As you develop more and more feelings for this woman, your self-pride may get more attached to her through your heart; and accordingly, it may encourage you to control her. The thing about self-pride is that it always wants to control things as well as natives and it doesn’t believe in letting things or natives exhibit in their natural states. In order to practice such control, you may start giving her expensive gifts if you can afford them and you may start doing her other kinds of favours. These are what the subtle acts of control are; as you put unconscious pressure on the other person, through these acts.
Though she may consciously think all such gifts and favours are the signs of your love for her, they are in fact the signs that you desire to control her and this is the reason you’re doing her so many favours. Kindly note that more favours you do for someone, more you may feel that you have the right to give her advice even when she doesn’t ask for it, you have the right to influence her decisions and you even have the right to argue or even fight with her if she chooses to go against your advice. This is how you control natives, though you may yourself not be aware about it at times.
Kindly note that the word ‘favours’ in this context means the acts which are assertive in nature and which are not the acts of natural love. Assertive acts of showing love rise from the require to hide the lack of pure love you have for someone whereas natural acts of showing love are effortless and they convey the exact same feelings which you have for someone, deep down. In the deepest sense, natural acts of love don’t mean to show that you love; though love may be shown through them. It means such acts rise from love and not from the require to show your love. There’s a subtle but significant difference between these two terms.
Taking a look at an example, if you purchase an expensive gift for your girlfriend, primarily because you desire to show her that you love; and not because you simply feel like purchasing it for her as you know she likes the item in question; it is an act of asserting your love; which means it is an act of control. This is because the require to purchase this gift is not rising from love; it is rising from the desire to show love. These two things may look the same, but there’s a big difference between them.
When you love someone purely; love alone is there and the require to show love is not there. This is because your love for this person is so natural that the require to show it never appears. Kindly note that all the natural acts happen through your unconscious part of brain/mind and hence even you don’t know why they’re happening. It means if your love is pure, you feel like purchasing a diamond ring for her, you purchase it and that’s it.
This means your act of purchasing this ring is based on the feeling you have at this moment and it is not based in past or future. However, if you desire to buy this diamond ring for her because you recently doubted her loyalty for nothing and you’re feeling guilty now; you recently had an argument with her and you desire to make up for it; you’re planning marriage with this woman in future and you desire to make sure she says yes; you desire her to value you more as a lover; this ring is expensive and hence most natives can’t afford to buy it for their lovers; or for a number of other such reasons which are based in past or in future; these are the acts of asserting your love.
As a simple rule; more you have something, less you assert it and less you have something, more you assert it. This is the reason you don’t feel the require to assert this fact to yourself that you’re healthy as long as you’re really healthy. It means when you can’t feel even a single part of your body consciously since everything is perfect; you’re in best state of health and hence there is no require to assert this fact to yourself.
However, as soon as a problem appears; you may now have the require to assert that you’re healthy; if you don’t desire to accept you’re not. It means that in this case, you can either accept you’re not healthy or you may assert it to yourself that you’re healthy and the problem in question is not affecting your health. Consider an injury happens to your leg. Though you may try to assert this fact to yourself that you’re healthy; your unconscious part of brain/mind visits this injury again and again. More it visits this injury; more it knows you’re not healthy; more it tells the same to your conscious part of brain/mind; more your conscious part of brain/mind asserts you’re healthy in order to counteract the feeling sent by your unconscious part of brain/mind and clearer it becomes that you’re not healthy in reality.
Your conscious focus or effort is required only when there’s something which can’t be managed by your unconscious part of brain/mind; which means which can’t be done automatically, which means without conscious effort. Hence as soon as you require conscious effort to do something; such act becomes unnatural. Kindly note that effort in this context means the effort of the brain/mind and not necessarily that of the body. For example, when food is digested after you eat it; this act happens automatically and you don’t pay conscious focus to it; until something goes wrong.
Consider you’ve eaten a lot about an hour ago and under some kind of formal compulsion; you have to eat again. When you eat with difficulty in this case; you consciously feel the require to make some space in your stomach and you consciously feel this food disturbing your stomach once you eat it. This is because your unconscious part of brain/mind now finds it difficult to do this job in a natural way and hence it informs your conscious part of brain/mind to pay focus. As long as there’s no problem related to this issue; your conscious part of brain/mind doesn’t require to pay focus.
Similarly; you don’t require to pay conscious focus to your process of breathing since your unconscious part of brain/mind takes care of it; which means it happens automatically. However, as soon as there’s a health issue or there’s a circumstance which makes it difficult for you to breathe; you require conscious focus. It happens because your unconscious part of brain/mind alone can’t take care of this issue now; and hence your conscious part of brain/mind is informed to pay focus. Therefore you may consciously try hard to breathe until this process becomes natural again.
For example, after running at fast pace for a while; you may consciously feel the require to focus on breathing and hence you may start breathing with conscious effort. This is because you’re falling short of oxygen; you require much more than usual amount of oxygen and hence you require conscious focus or effort. As soon as your breathing process returns to normal; you don’t feel the require to pay conscious focus to it and it becomes natural again.
Hence if you’re buying this diamond ring on account of the kinds of reasons mentioned earlier; it simply means you require to assert your love, which further means your love is not pure. Technically it means that your unconscious part of brain/mind keeps telling your conscious part of brain/mind that your love for her is not pure and it is corrupted.
This fact is heard by your conscious part of brain/mind in form of feelings of guilt rising from something wrong done by you to her, feelings of doubt you may have for her, feelings of greed related to the things you desire her to do for you and/or some other kinds of feelings. Since these are unconscious feelings, you may not be able to assign obvious reasons to them and they come to your conscious part of brain/mind; more like inner voices or intuitions.
Your conscious part of brain/mind wants to counteract these feelings because of your self-pride; as accepting these feelings means your love is corrupted and that leaves you with two options. This first option is to walk out of this relationship since you don’t love her purely; and the second option is to change yourself in a way that you’re able to love her purely.
The first option means to let go of something your self-pride has got attached to; and the second option means to kill your self-pride because you can’t engage in pure love as long as your self-pride is there. Since both these options hurt your self-pride; it creates another option. This option tells your conscious part of brain/mind to deny such information sent by your unconscious part of brain/mind, which says your love is not pure.
When your conscious part of brain/mind does the same; your unconscious part of brain/mind doesn’t agree, as it knows for sure that you don’t love her purely; through experiences of the similar kind; from this life as well as from many of your past lives. Hence it sends this information back to your conscious part of brain/mind for reconsideration.
The latter again says it is correct which means you love her purely; under the influence of your self-pride and this keeps happening till a state of disagreement rises between the opinion of your conscious part of brain/mind and that of your unconscious part of brain/mind. In order to prove its point, your self-pride starts controlling you in a way that you may start engaging in acts of showing love.
These are the acts which are not rising from your moral-sense and they’re instead rising from your self-pride. Since these are not acts of selfless love and they’re acts of corrupted love on account of the involvement of your self-pride; they’re called assertive acts of love and not the acts of pure or natural love. This is because through these acts; your self-pride is trying to fool you as well as your lover that you really love her. However, it may only be able to fool your conscious part of brain/mind at the most and your unconscious part of brain/mind remains aware of the fact that your love is not pure.
You may not be consciously aware at this time; but you have engaged in such assertive acts of love; thousands of times in many of your past lives. Though each time your self-pride tried to fool your unconscious part of brain/mind through your conscious part of brain/mind that the act was that of pure love; the truth always turned out to be the opposite. It means in cases of all such acts of love; you ended up claiming those acts as favours; whenever you engaged in serious arguments with your lovers, from time to time.
It means though you consciously think you’ve got rid of the feelings coming from your unconscious part of brain/mind; this is not true. In reality; your unconscious part of brain/mind still knows that your love is corrupted. That is the reason it sends fresh feelings whenever you do something selfish. Whenever you receive such feelings; you again engage in acts of balancing them out; and this process goes on, until this relationship finally fails like all other relationships from the past, which means from this life as well as from past lives. Hence the acts of asserting love mean the absence of pure love.
More is the number of such assertive acts or more frequent they are, less is the percentage of pure love and more is the percentage of corruption. However, if you’re engaging in all such acts automatically which means without paying focus to the results of these acts; your love is pure. More is the number of such acts of pure love; higher is the percentage of purity in your love and less is the percentage of corruption in it.
Once again; this fact rules supreme that it is not your karma which is more principal and it is your intention behind such karma. This means that though your girlfriend may not be able to distinguish whether you’ve purchased this diamond ring for her; as an act of natural love or as an act of asserting your love in order to make her realize that you love her a lot; your unconscious part of brain/mind knows it well and this is all that matters.
This is because an assertive act of love will always be accompanied by expectations which are going to show up sooner or later. If such expectations are not met; problems are bound to be there. Since all your expectations can simply not be met on account of a number of variables; you’re bound to be troubled. This is the time when all these acts of asserting your love will come up and you’ll start thinking or mentioning them. It means in this case; though you may not feel the conscious require to tell your girlfriend at this time that you’ve bought her an expensive diamond ring; this require is still there on unconscious level.
As soon as something goes significantly wrong and you two have a serious argument; you’ll find yourself telling her that you bought her an expensive diamond ring and you may speak about all other such ‘favours’ done by you to her, in order to tell her how deeply you love her.
Kindly understand that if you don’t think you’re doing her a favour while purchasing this diamond ring; you simply can’t claim it as a favour which means as an act to assert your love; when you two have a serious argument and favours given by each one of you are made clear to the other; in order to see who did more favours for the other.
Hence the fact that you’re able to tell her during a serious argument that you purchased an expensive diamond ring for her indicates that you remembered this fact well. It further means that even at the time of buying this ring for her; you had unconscious intentions to use this fact in order to assert your love in future; if required. Whether you have the require to list this act as a favour at a later stage or not; is secondary and the fact that you’re doing it as a favour deep down; is primary. Since you’re doing it as a favour; it is not an act of pure love and it is an act of assertion or so to say, it is an act of corrupted love.
Looking at her mindset; she realizes on unconscious level that you’re doing a lot for her and hence she may be subconsciously prepared to return the favours by doing certain things you desire her to do or you desire her to not do. In this way, you may start putting price tags in order to purchase her independence and you may do so under the guise of love.
This is trade and nothing more than that. If you do things like this, you don’t love the other person and you’re engaging in a trade where you do certain things for your lover and in exchange for that, you purchase the rights to control her. When you fight with her, the reason you’re shouting at her may be that she wants to do something you don’t like. Hence you may advise her against it but she still wishes to do it. You may then tell her that you have the right to influence or even control her decisions and you give all the reasons in support of that right.
When you’re telling her that she should change her decision as you don’t like it, because you gave her expensive jewellery; it is an obvious sign of trade. You are trying to purchase her by making payments in the form of certain specific favours. It’s like you’ve hired an employee, you’re paying her salary and accordingly, you tell her to listen to you and do what you say.
Looking at another angle, you may even remind her about her shortcomings or bad habits in order to make her feel small, in order to win the argument or in order to make her realize how big a compromise you’re making by choosing to be with her. Can this be called love? It is in fact a business contract of personal kind, where both of you have imposed silent conditions on each other and whenever one of you violates one of those conditions, the other one shouts.
Hence you’re doing business in the name of love and at the same time, you may be thinking that it is real love. It means your unconscious part of brain/mind knows it is business but your conscious part of brain/mind thinks it is love. The first part is not as big a problem as the second part is, which means doing business in the name of love is not as big an issue as the fact that you’re consciously oblivious to all this business and you think it is real love. This is because if you’re at least aware that you don’t truly love your girlfriend and you only require her to fulfil some of your needs and this is the reason you’re offering her a number of favours to balance the mathematics, you’re much better than you are in the second case.
In this case, you’re at least honest as well as aware because you have conscious knowledge of this state of affairs and you’re not pretending to yourself. It means your conscious part of brain/mind and your unconscious part of brain/mind believe in the same thing and hence there is no confusion or hypocrisy. This makes you honest and this also increases your chances of engaging in true love in future.
This is on account of the reason that you’ve at least partly completed the process of changing yourself, by being aware about your state of affairs, as already mentioned in an earlier part of this book. Hence whenever you realize you don’t desire to engage in this trade any longer, you may engage in true love. This is because you already know the difference between trade and love, which puts you in a position of advantage when it comes to separate love from trade.
On the other hand, if you’re engaging in trade in the name of love and at the same time, you’re not aware of it, which means you think you’re actually in love, your problem is much bigger. You’re not even aware about the problem you have and hence there are fewer chances of getting out of it. In the first case, you may truly fall in love because you know that what you have at this moment is not love and hence you may start working towards love any moment. However, in the second case, you’re not in true love but you’re completely convinced that you are.
It means you won’t feel the require to search for true love because you don’t search for something that you already have. Since you’re already engaged in pure love according to your illusions, there are no chances you’ll work to achieve it in reality. Hence your chances of being in true love are much less in this case and they’ll become better only when you realize that what you’re engaging in is trade and not pure love.
Coming back to the example, if you engage in all such arguments with your lover, you should know that you have anything but pure love. If you truly love this woman, your arguments may be of different kind or there may not be any arguments at all, depending on your stage of evolution. For example, if she wants to do something, you think it may turn out bad for her and you desire to convince her not to do it, this is how you may behave. You may tell her about the negative aspects of this thing, in a caring way and not in a superior way or in a controlling way.
You may try to convince her and if she doesn’t agree, you won’t get angry though you may feel bad for her as you know she may end up in trouble. However, your part is to make her aware about it or even convince her to reconsider her decision; and your job is not to control her. Even if she chooses to go against your decision, your self-pride should not get hurt and you should not engage in arguments which are primarily targeted at proving your point or even at achieving this objective that she’s not a wise person.
Looking at some of these arguments, you may tell her that whenever she doesn’t listen to you, she lands in trouble in most such cases, she’s generally not a wise kind of person and she keeps making silly mistakes. You may even mention some of those mistakes from the past and you may tell her other things like this. You see, though it started from being caring for her, it has now reached the point where all you care for is to prove your point and make sure that she does what you say. If the argument prolongs, you may even bring in a number of favours you did to her, in order to show you really care.
If you’re in this kind of illusionary love, each and every time you interact with her, such interactions may be the acts of controlling her, though they may be conscious at times and unconscious at times. It means you may intentionally engage in such acts at times and you may engage in such acts at times, without even you being aware about their controlling nature.
Moving ahead, consider your girlfriend doesn’t listen to you, she does what she wants and as you calculated, she ends up in trouble. This is the time you may start telling her how wrong or foolish she was, when she chose not to listen to you or not to act upon your advice. You may even feel a strange kind of joy when she lands in trouble as your point has been proven and this may give you advantage in future, when it comes to control her. In fact, you have been wishing for her to land in trouble, from the time she chose to go against your advice, though such wishing has been unconscious.
The reason you may do so is because there’s been a serious argument and she’s decided to go against your advice. If she succeeds at what she’s going to engage in, it is likely that she’ll get back to you and tell you that you were wrong and she was right. After all, she may also be doing the trade of love, instead of being in true love. Accordingly, as soon as the argument ends in disagreement and she chooses to do what she wants, you may start wishing for her to fail and she may try her best to succeed.
You may do so because you don’t desire to feel ashamed if she succeeds as she may then tell you that you’re not so wise after all. Hence your self-pride gets scared of getting hurt in the future and accordingly you start wishing for her to fail, so that your point is proved. If you’re a less grown soul, you may even do or not do certain things to make sure that she fails. For example, if she engages in a professional project against your advice, she gets in trouble at a time and there is something you can do to get her out of this trouble so that she may finally succeed, you may keep your distance and you may not help her.
This is because if she succeeds, her point will be proved and your self-pride may not desire it to happen. Hence you keep quiet and you may even enjoy from a distance, when problems start appearing for her, as you sense victory which comes to you in form of her failure. If you’re a relatively grown person and your self-pride wants to control this woman, you may take a different path. As she faces initial problems, you may help her out of the circumstance and you may even help her succeed in her professional venture, assuming you’re capable of doing so.
However even in this case, you may keep telling her from the moment you start helping her till the moment this project is finished that her foolishness almost destroyed her and it is only on account of your help that she’s been able to get out of such troubles and finish her project. You see, your self-pride has suggested you a better way of controlling her. This way, you give her one more favour and you prove your point too.
If you truly love this woman and she chooses to engage in something despite your advice; you may wish her to succeed and you may even try to do everything in your power to help her out. You don’t desire to control her and you don’t desire to prove a point. In fact, pure love always liberates and it never controls or binds. Hence if you feel restricted, bound or controlled in a relationship, this relationship may have anything but pure love in it.
Therefore, if she succeeds without your help, you’ll feel happy because of her success and not sad because of your failure. Kindly understand that you’ll only feel bad when she succeeds against your advice, if your self-pride is attached to your advice as it is your self-pride which gets hurt. On the other hand, if your self-pride is not attached to your advice, all you desire is her happiness and whether that happiness comes by acting on your advice or by going against your advice is immaterial.
Hence you’ll feel happy for her and at the same time, you won’t feel you’ve lost anything. Your advice was based on your knowledge and experiences; and you did the right thing by offering it to her at the right time. Whether such advice proved right or wrong in her case is immaterial and it is principal for your self-pride only. Hence you should do what needs to be done in a particular circumstance and you should not get attached to the results.
Even if your girlfriend fails miserably at this project, the last thing you’ll do is make her realize even once that she made a mistake by going against your advice, if your love is pure. This is because when you say so, her loss becomes secondary and your advice becomes primary as the focus is less on her loss and more on your advice. Hence you may again engage in an act of controlling her, by convincing her that she should surely act on your advice in future. It is again about you and not about her.
Therefore if your love is pure, you’ll help her heal from this setback and you’ll never discuss the fact that you advised her not to do so in the first place. Kindly understand that freedom of expression or freewill is the first right of every soul and a true lover will never desire to take this right away from the one he loves. So when you truly love someone, you love them as they are and you don’t put conditions on them; that they should change themselves in ways that you like.
Kindly note that there’s nothing wrong in suggesting your lover or anyone else to change some of their habits as you may genuinely find them negative and troublesome for them as well as for other natives. It is fine if it stays till here, as it is a sign that you care for this person, like for your lover; and you desire to help her become a better person. However, as soon as you start making it a compulsory condition that she has to change those habits because you desire her to, the love goes away and self-pride takes charge.
If your love is pure, you may certainly suggest things at times but you’ll never impose conditions that your suggestions must be implemented. Hence you may tell her about her negative habits, you may advise her to change them and you may then remain unaffected by the outcomes. It means whether she changes them or not doesn’t affect the love you have for her and you continue loving her in the same way. You understand that your job is to suggest her certain things which you may find good for her; and your job is not to force her to do those things, even if they’re the best things to do.
When you truly love someone, you don’t try to control her and you don’t try to snatch or restrict her freedom. You love her for what she is and that is it. If you even think that you can love her more if she changes a couple of her habits that you don’t like, you’re engaging in trade and not in love. This is because you like this woman as a collection of certain specific habits and not as a person or soul. As your love may increase or decrease in quantum, based on her habits; you’re in love with her habits and not in love with her true self.
Therefore, if she develops more such habits which you don’t like, your love may decrease in quantum and a time may come when you may start looking for another woman, who may have the habits or personality you like. It means you never loved this woman purely and you only loved her personality at a particular time, when you got involved with her. If there were some habits in her personality that you didn’t like, your self-pride suggested you that you’d change them and hence you took a calculated risk.
This is again an act of control initiated by your self-pride; and it is again a one sided story. It means that the woman hasn’t committed anything and she doesn’t even know about it. It is you and you alone who made all these assumptions and the woman had no part to play in it, at all.
However, when you find that despite your best efforts, you’re unable to change those specific habits of hers, you shift the blame to her and this is what makes you a hypocrite. She never promised to change any of these habits and to start with, she didn’t even know you have such intentions. All these plots were made by our self-pride and you were playing this game from your end only. You’re making assumptions in your own brain/mind, you’re trying to make them come true and if they don’t; you get hurt. You see, you’re all alone in it and the woman is nowhere in the picture.
If you love her truly, you won’t force her to change though you may tell her to change some of her habits if you see benefit in it for her. However, your love for her won’t change whether or not she acts upon your advices and changes those habits. The first sign of pure love is that you’ll give your lover complete freedom to be whatever she wants to be and you’ll then love her for whatever she is and even whatever she may become over the course of time.
It means even if she develops a number of negative habits over a period of time, you’ll still love her the same way, though you may dislike those habits of hers. In the first case, you fall in love with her habits and she as a person become secondary. However in this case, you fall in love with her and her habits become secondary, which means your love for her remains unaffected by her good or bad habits. Hence if you truly love a person, you won’t try to control them or change them by force; and you’ll accept them for whatever they are.
A question may rise here that if this is the definition of true love, it means most natives don’t fall in love and they engage in trades. Does it mean that all of us are incapable of love and all we do is trade? No, it doesn’t mean anything like this and there’s more to this concept. So far, we’ve only discussed two extremes of this equation, which are the act of pure love and the act of control to feed the self-pride. However, most natives have percentages of both these variables and they’re not isolate kinds which are rare to find.
It means it is difficult to find natives who have love as pure as 100% and it is equally difficult to find natives who have control factor has high as 100%. Most natives are mixtures of these two qualities and accordingly they may be different from one another when it comes to how capable they may be of engaging in pure love, depending on the percentage of these two factors in their personalities. For example, a person having 80% love factor and 20% control factor may be capable of loving much more than a person having 20% love factor and 80% control factor.
Human personality is a complex mixture of a number of good and bad qualities and all these qualities may be present in different combinations in different natives. This is what makes each one of us unique and none of us may exactly match anyone else. Hence different natives may love differently and they may also control differently.
If you’re thinking how can you engage in love and control in the same relationship, here are some acts which can help you find out. All the things that you do for your loved ones in a way that they may benefit, they may notice and other natives may also notice, may be the acts of control. On the other hand, all the things that you do for your loved ones and you don’t care even if they know about them or not, let alone other natives, they’re undoubtedly the acts of pure love.
For example, if you’re taking your lover on an expensive vacation and you’re paying for it, you may be doing it both ways, depending on your personality kind. If your intention is to make her happy as you know she likes this vacation destination; and you don’t care about anything else, it is an act of pure love. In this case, you’re not likely to tell anyone; who paid for the vacation or who made all the arrangements and even if your lover tells someone about it, you may not take much interest when that person praises you for spending so much money on this vacation.
Hence you may keep those details of this vacation hidden, which can make you look like a great person, which is the mark of true love. You may do so as you don’t desire other natives to know that she had no financial contribution in this vacation as that can give some natives reasons to raise their fingers on her, which is the last thing you desire as you love her purely.
If however, your intention behind all this is to gain control, you’ll operate in a different manner. Right from the beginning, you may start telling a number of natives in your circle as well as in her circle that you’re taking her on vacation, you’re paying for it and you’re doing it for her happiness. Whenever someone appreciates you for this, you may feel proud and you may not even care about her reputation or her overall image or her feelings. All you care for is that you should get due value or even more value, for the money and effort being spent by you.
Let’s make it simpler to understand. Whether you consciously know it or not, you’re telling everyone about your effort because this will put pressure on her and you may use it to your advantage in future. For example, her best friend may tell her time and again that you’re a very good person as you’ve done so much for her. Same may be the case with her close relatives and other natives who’re principal for her. Hence you’re playing a calculated game and you’re purchasing the opinions of the natives who can influence her opinion, in your favour. As you engage in such acts from time to time and as you propagate them as much as you can, you may eventually be able to condition her love for you.
It means that most natives who matter to her may keep telling her that you’re the best thing that has happened to her and she is very lucky to have you in her life. As these opinions brainwash her, it may become difficult or even impossible for her to even think of leaving you or going against you. Hence you have more control over her because if the two of you have an argument, the chances are high that she’ll surrender to your point of view, which is exactly what you desire. There are two major reasons for which she may choose to be controlled by you.
The first reason is obviously the favours given by you and she may feel like owing you something. The second reason is even bigger and you’ve created it. You’ve conditioned the circumstances in such a way that if she goes against you or even if she thinks of leaving you, most natives around her may not support her decision and some of them may even push her to reconsider her decision of leaving you. After all, you’re the best thing that has happened to her, so how can she choose to go away from you?
You’ve progressively conditioned her brain/mind in a way that she may not even feel free to discuss some of your very negative habits with her loved ones as she already knows that such loved ones will speak in your favour, instead of being the neutral judges or even neutral listeners. Hence this practice and other such practices are acts of control and they’re not acts of love.
The most principal thing to understand is that it is not an act which defines your love or control for someone, it is the intention behind such act which defines it. The acts of pure love don’t expect anything in return whereas the acts of control always look for returns.
This is the reason you don’t care whether or not someone knows about the good things you’re doing for your lover, if you love her truly. On the other hand, your primary motive may be to make your lover as well as many other natives realize that you’re doing so much for her so that you may use this fact to your advantage in future, if you desire to control her.
Himanshu Shangari