Moving on to the next category, if you find that a person is not only attending with great care to the people who are senior to him or above him in one way or another, but he is also behaving well with the people who are junior to him or below him in one way or another, he certainly deserves a chance. A person who can respect all people and behave well with all of them irrespective of whether they are above him or below him in some manner, is certainly a good person and he is not a selfish person.
This is because if a person can respect those people and behave well with them, who are not likely to do much for him and who on the other hand, may be looking for some benefits through him like his help or approval on certain issues; is definitely a good person. When you know that you are not going to witness material benefits from a person and instead you may have to help him out every now and then, and you can still respect that person and behave well with him, you are certainly not a selfish person and on the contrary, you are a kind and good person.
In today’s world, people who are not likely to give you much and who are instead likely to expect you to help them as and when they need it, are seen as liabilities and not as assets. Hence in this day and age where most people are profit oriented, if someone can respect people whom he may not benefit from, he’s certainly a kind and good person. One such person may prove a valuable friend for life. This is because if he can respect and help the ones who don’t matter much for him; imagine how far he may be willing to go for the ones he really likes and loves.
Considering the next category, if you come across a person who rarely complains about most things, situations and people, and instead he speaks well about them, most of the time; he is the one you should consider giving a chance. For example, if you meet two people at a party and during the course of conversation; the first person tells you how the lighting is not done properly, how a food item is not duly cooked or overcooked, how a drink is not as hot or as cold as it should be, how the party venue is too small or too big for a gathering like this and other such things; you don’t want to give this person a chance. This is because he is all about complaining and that’s not what you want at this stage.
On the other hand, you find that the second person is not making any complaints about anything and instead he keeps complementing one thing or another about this party. He may say; this snack tastes very good, the DJ is playing very good music, this dessert is so delicious, this venue has enough parking space, the host has really done a great job by organizing and managing a party like this and other such things. This is your man and you should take interest in him. You see, though both these people are attending the same party which has good as well as bad things, the first person is picking up more and more bad things about this party whereas the second person is looking at more and more good things which make this party enjoyable.
It means that the first person has a negative attitude towards life whereas the second person has a positive attitude towards life. It further means that the first person is only going to bother and trouble you by sending more and more negativity towards you through all his complaints. On the other hand, the second person is likely to send positivity to you. He is likely to complement you and encourage you whenever you do or want to do something good. The second person has a subconscious script of speaking well about people and things, as well as encourage and promote good things done by people. This is why he is worthy of a chance.
Similarly, there are many other types of people who possess many good qualities which are visible from their small day to day activities. These are the people you should consider for building relationships. Though you may still get hurt by some of these people who initially looked good, the chances of that happening are not high. On the other hand, the chances of such people proving worthy of your trust are high because they are basically good and positive people. Dealing with such people at the first level or any level of this treatment increases your chances of success. As you already know by now, more is the number of people who serve you value for your trust in them, more easily and faster you are going to get out of this habit. So pay attention to the first phase of initial assessment of people as it is an important phase of this treatment.
Moving on to the second phase, once a person has passed your initial assessment test and you are positive that you want to continue with him, start doing the needful from your end to ensure that you are slowly but surely moving towards building a relationship with him, where such relationship may be of any kind. The most important thing for better results in the second phase is to start slow, and then build little by little from there. You have a habit of lack of trust. Hence you should not trust people with big things in the beginning no matter how good you may find them during your initial assessment of them.
This is because trusting people with big things right away may not only be too much for you to handle later on as you are not used to trust someone so much, but it can also be a little too much for the other person as he may not expect so much from your side in the beginning. Hence if you are in the phase of building a relationship with someone, let’s say you are building a friendship; you should start testing and trusting them slowly and not all at once. For example, telling your new friend about some small flaws in your personality may be a good way to start whereas telling him about some disturbing flaws or incidents in your life may be a bad thing to do at this early stage, as your friend may feel uncomfortable and he may decide to move away from you.
Let’s look at some things you may share with or ask your new friend to do for you versus the things you should not share with him or not ask him to do for you at this stage. You can tell him how you love to take your girlfriend abroad for vacations every now and then but you should not tell how your relationship almost broke once when she caught you cheating with some other girl. Similarly, you can introduce your girlfriend to him formally some time but you should not ask him to join you two for a dinner at this stage or even worse, ask him to pick your girlfriend from office and drop her home as you are not able to do so at a given point in time.
Likewise you can ask him to give you a ride home if your car breaks down but you should not ask him to lend you his car for a couple of days, at this stage. In the same way, you can share many of your little secrets with him but you should not share your big ones at this stage. You can ask him to do small favors for you but you should not ask for big ones at this stage; you can trust him with small possessions or secrets that you have but you should not trust him with the big ones at this stage. These guidelines are important and you should not ignore them as otherwise you may end up getting hurt by your new friend or you may yourself decide to move away from him, though he has not done anything wrong to you.
Let’s look into some of these activities in order to understand this concept in a better way. If you tell your new friend how your girlfriend caught you cheating and your relationship almost broke once, you are creating a number of problems for yourself. Accordingly, you are increasing the chances that this relationship should fail. Since you have told him a big secret or you have trusted him so much, you may start worrying later whether you should have done so or not, and you may get accompanied by a feeling of guilt also. This is because now there is person who doesn’t have a well-established relationship with you but who still knows one of your not so good secrets.
Since you don’t have a habit of trusting people and the relationship is not well established yet, you may start worrying that he may share your secret with other people or he may take some undue advantage. At the same time, the friend may actually share your secret with someone else as he may not attach much value to your friendship at this stage.
The fact that you have shared this secret with him at an early stage of relationship, may give him an idea that maybe it is not a big secret for you and so he may share it with others. If that happens, this secret travels and it finally comes back to you, the chances are high that you have lost a friend even before making one. This is because you may see it as a breach of trust and you may not be able to trust him any longer. Trust is the key to any relationship. It means once you can’t trust someone, you can’t actually have a healthy relationship with them.
Moving on to the next example, asking your new friend to join you and your girlfriend for dinner or pick your girlfriend up from work and drop her home, both are bad ideas and should be avoided at an early stage of relationship. In the first case, during the course of conversation, your girlfriend may intentionally or unintentionally tell him some things about you, which you don’t want him to know at this stage. Looking at another probability, your girlfriend may not like this friend much and she may later discourage you from building a relationship with him. In the worst case, your friend may start liking your girlfriend more than he likes you and you have created yourself a new problem.
Similarly, in the second case when your friends picks up and drops your girlfriend, the two of them may develop dislike for each other. Looking at another probability, one of them or both of them may get attracted to each other. In all these cases, you’re the one’s who’s going to suffer. In case your girlfriend dislikes him, she may convince you to move away from him. You may get stuck in a difficult situation.
In case one of them or both of them develop attraction for each other; your girlfriend may abstain since she has an established relationship with you. However, he may not do so since he doesn’t have an established relationship with you. Hence if he finds out that your girlfriend is attracted to him like he is to her; he may try to seduce her and the outcome may not be good for you. If that happens; it is not as much of his fault as it is yours.
Whether good or bad, most people choose between two options based on their net values in most situations; if they have to make choices. It means they’re likely to choose the ones which hold more value. Hence your friend may try to seduce your girlfriend because you don’t hold much value for him at this stage, since there is no established relationship between you two till this point. Hence the value of his liking for your girlfriend may be more or much more than the value of your future friendship for him.
It means when you consider this situation practically, his fault is not much as he simply chose a more valuable option. In addition to that, he doesn’t have any serious commitments towards you since the friendship is new. Coming to you, it is certainly your fault to present such a temptation to your friend at this early stage of your relationship when you could have easily avoided this incident, had you not moved too fast.
Looking at a comparison, suppose you build a well-established friendship with this person in a year or two. In this case, even if he finds your girlfriend attractive, he may abstain and he may not advance, just like your girlfriend may do. This is because he has something of good value with you and he may not want to lose it. He may understand that attractions come and go but friendship stays. Hence he may choose you over her. Even if your girlfriend alone gets attracted to him and gives him signs, he may ignore them as he may not want to lose you. Hence move slowly and let the trust build with time.
Following these guidelines can help you during both phases of building relationships. Hence start meeting new people, assess them, select the ones you like and start building relationships with them. Start gradually putting your trust in people. This way, trust may find you and lack of trust may leave you; with time and efforts.
Himanshu Shangari