Being too possessive is a habit due to which you don’t want to let go of people, things and/or places which you want for yourself or which you consider are yours.
Though this problem can cause problems in every sphere of life, it may cause maximum damage in the sphere of relationships. If you suffer from this problem, you may tend to control the lives of the people who are in relationships with you like your friends, girlfriend, wife, children, siblings and other relatives.
Taking an example, if you have this habit, you may keep telling your girlfriend what to do and what not to, where to go and where not to, who to meet and who not to and many other dos and don’ts. You subconsciously assume that you have the right to do so whereas in reality, no one holds the right to control anyone’s life and actions. As you keep putting pressure on her, she may feel more and more uncomfortable with time; and she may break up with you when she can’t handle this habit of yours any longer.
Let’s first try to understand what possession is. Possession is the original sin and it is in the root of all evil. You can’t engage in a bad karma without being possessive. At times, such possession may be obvious which means conscious. At other times, it may be so subtle or subconscious that you may not realize it is there, despite your best efforts.
To possess someone or something means you want him/it to be something else. Considering a person, it means that you don’t accept him for what he is and you want him to change, even if he doesn’t want to. When you have such desire, you’re going against the primary rule of nature, which is the right of freewill for each and every soul.
You try to change people so that they may become such versions of themselves which you like and/or which will be more convenient for you. In doing so, you’re ignoring the fact they have freewill. Hence whether or not they want to change, is their choice and not yours. When you engage in one such practice, you’re treating a person like a thing. For example, your cellphone doesn’t have a wish of its own and you can change a number of settings, as and when you want. The cellphone doesn’t have freewill and hence it has no objections to whatever you make of it.
Likewise, you may customize your car, computer, room, sofa, bed and a number of other things, the way you want to. However, when it comes to people, they’re not things and they have freewill. When you try to change them without their own will, you treat them like things or objects, instead of treating them as people.
In the deepest sense, you can’t change anyone or anything without possessing such person or thing. Such possession may not always be physical or visible and it may be subtle at times. Taking an example, suppose you forbid your wife to meet certain specific people or visit certain specific places. It is visible possession as even you may see that you’re trying to change her against her will, which means you’re trying to restrict her choices. Since it should be her choice and not yours, you’re possessing her.
Looking at another example, you don’t forbid your wife from meeting specific people but you keep telling her that you don’t like them and you really wish she didn’t meet them. Though she is free to make this choice whether or not to meet them; you’re influencing her choice by constantly telling her that you want her not to do so. Hence you’re possessive though this possession is relatively subtle.
Going deeper, you don’t forbid her and you don’t even repeatedly advise her that you don’t like certain people she meets. However, you keep wishing that she shouldn’t meet them. Whenever she has bad experiences with one of them and she shares them with you, you feel happy and you encourage her to share more and more of such experiences. In this case, you may or may not advise her to stay away from such person, depending on your stage of evolution. Though all you may do is wish, listen and enjoy; you’re possessive.
As discussed in the chapter ‘Transfer of energy through Karmas’ of the book ‘Heaven and Hell Within Part 01’; a karma is decided by the intention behind it and not by its outward expression. In this case, there may be no outward expression from your side. It means you may never tell her to move away from such people that you don’t like. However, a desire/intention for the same is always there in your mind. It means that though your problem of being possessive is very subtle in this case, it is still there.
This theory applies to everyone and everything. You can’t engage in any bad karma at all, without being possessive on one level or another. Looking at it from another angle, whenever you wish to possess something or someone, you’re creating problems. Let’s take some other examples to understand this concept in a better manner. Suppose you wish to cheat someone for money. In order to do so, you have to have this desire that he co-operates in being cheated. Though such desire may be subconscious in most cases, it is there.
This is because you want money by cheating this person and this task can’t be accomplished if he’s smart enough to see through your trick. Hence you consciously or subconsciously wish that he should be fool enough to fall for your trick. When you do so, you wish to make the other person what he may not be or what he may not wish to be. It means you’re trying to possess him or change him.
Taking another example, suppose it’s raining for three days and you’re tired of it. Hence you wish that it stops since you don’t like it now or you may be facing problems because of it. The moment you make such wish, you’re trying to change the elements of nature, which means you’re trying to possess nature. Without such possession, you can’t change them. This is an even subtler form of possession but it is possession.
Similarly, you may wish winter to be not too cold this year as you don’t like winters. In wishing so, you’re possessive because you wish to change the course of nature according to your own convenience. Likewise, if you don’t wish to look older, you don’t wish to die or you have other similar wishes related to your body, you’re possessive. Such acts of possession are very subtle but they are there. You’re not accepting yourself for what you are or for what you’re becoming; and you wish to impose your choices on natural changes. It means you wish to control nature. Since you can’t change anything without possessing it first, you’re trying to possess nature as well as your body.
It means that deep down; possession means the opposite of acceptance. You can be possessive, only if you’re not able to accept people and/or things for what they are and you want to change them, so that they’re more suitable for you. On the other hand, if you are able to accept everyone and everything, you don’t wish to change anyone or anything. Hence you’re free from possession. When you’re completely free from possession, you’re liberated.
Each and every desire/resolution remains there in your subconscious because you’ve consciously possessed it. Hence you have to be possessive in order to create desires and hold on to them. It means possession lies in the root of all desires and resolutions. Looking at good karmas; you engage in them and you create desires for good results. By doing so, you’re being possessive since you can’t create and maintain desires without being possessive.
Looking at bad karmas; you can’t engage in any one of them in the deepest sense; without being possessive. Even when you want to hurt someone, it is because you don’t like the way he behaves and you wish to change it. Hence you’re possessive. For example, you may hit your wife because she doesn’t quit drinking despite your repeated advice or you may hit her because she keeps telling you to quit drinking. You’re possessive in both the cases.
In the first case, you want her to quit drinking and you have no regard for her free will. Looking at it from another angle, it means that you can’t accept her for what she is and you want to change her into someone that you like. Hence you’re possessive. In the second case, you’re again not giving her the choice to tell you that she doesn’t like it when you drink. Hence you want her to stop giving you advice. It means you are not able to accept her the way she is and you want to change her into someone who’s more suitable for you. Hence you’re treating her as an object as you’re trying to customize her according to your choices. It means you’re possessive.
Taking another example, suppose you try to rob someone, he opposes and you injure him. The reason you want to rob him is that you can’t accept your current financial situation and you want to make it better by robbing other people. It means you’re engaging in this bad karma because you want to control your situation. You injure this person as he tries to fight you. It means you injured him because he went against your wish which was that he should have co-operated. Here again, you’re trying to customize this person and you’re not giving him freewill.
If you can accept your financial situation, you don’t need to engage in such bad karmas. Likewise, if you accept your wife’s habit of drinking or her habit of saying things to you when you’re drunk; you don’t need to hit her. It means once acceptance comes, possession has to go. Since you’re able to accept everything and everyone as they are and you don’t wish to make any changes; you’re liberated.
This is why liberated people don’t judge anyone. In order to judge, you have to first consider that there may be something wrong with them. Through judgment, you want them to change if needed; which means you have to possess them. That’s why it is said that God loves you and accepts you with all your goodness and flaws. Since he’s not possessive, he doesn’t have the choice to make changes to you. In other words, he can’t accept parts of you and reject parts of you. Hence he’s able to accept a saint as well as a sinner in the same manner. He’s comfortable with the fact that the saint is doing what he likes and the sinner is doing what he likes. Both of them are practicing their right of using freewill and God’s fine with it.
This topic is vast and even an entire book is not sufficient to cover it. Hence let’s get back to the points that we need to deal with. Though the element of possession is there within most of us; the percentage of this element decides how troublesome it can be. If it is there but it is low in percentage; it may not be an issue for you.
As discussed in the first part of this book; for most habits/traits, there are habits/traits which lie in opposition to them. The sum total of two opposite habits/traits is always 100. It was discussed that if you’re 80% kind, you’re 20% selfish. Likewise, if you’re 70% ruled by ego, you’re 30% ruled by conscience. In the same way, if the element of possession is 20%, that of acceptance is 80% within you. In such case, you’re an evolved soul and this much possession may not cause problems for you. With this percentage of possession, you may only wish that some people or some things were different than they are; and you may not engage in speech or actions to change them. Hence you may not face problems since such possession may not be strong enough to make you engage in bad karmas of significant quantum.
Moving on, the share of possession and acceptance may be 50-50 within you. It means you’re significantly possessive but not highly possessive. Hence you may engage in acts of possession at times and you may accept people or things how they are, at times. As the element of possession increases in percentage, you may face more and more problems. Hence you should start dealing with it if you know or find out that being possessive is causing problems.
Let’s look at some symptoms that various people suffering from this problem may have. Many such people may not retire their old clothes, shoes and other likewise items. They may keep purchasing new ones and they may not get rid of the old ones. It should be noted that keeping used clothes and other likewise items for 3, 4 or 5 years may not be a problem; especially when you’re using them.
There may be some items that you wish to keep even after 10 years or more. This is fine as long as it is not a pattern. It means if you’re keeping most of your clothes for many years even when you don’t use them and you don’t have intentions to use them; you’re possessive. The clothes belong to you and you don’t want them to belong to anyone else. Hence you may keep them as long as you’re able to. The same may apply to shoes, watches, books, medicines, supplements and a number of other items. Here again, as long as you’re using them or you intend to use them, it should be fine. When you don’t use them and you also know that you’re not going to use them but you still keep them; it’s a problem.
Let’s look at some other likewise items which may be different for various people. Such people may keep perfume bottles many of which may be empty or they may contain small amounts of contents. They may have old coins and/or currency notes which are no longer used, old wallets, handbags, purses, old and useless lipsticks, nail colour bottles many of which may be empty, shaving razors, old hair bands, ribbons, audio cassettes, CDs and a number of other such items. Here again, they may not use these things and they may not have any intentions of using them. However, they may still retain these items, as they may not wish to part with them.
Himanshu Shangari